A vivid dream - A side effect of the anti depressants I’ve been taking

It started with Lottie’s friends, 3 of them, as I was walking down the street to see Lottie [we had broken up but were still ‘see each other everyday’ kind of friends] I saw her 3 friends, I can’t really remember their names, Bryony, Vicky and someone else…. I can’t remember her name but funnily enough, she was the only one who did not show pure venomous hate toward me. The other two seemed to just give me poisonous looks when I tried to greet them, so I said “Fair enough” Lit up a cigarette and went across the street.

I met with Lottie, I asked, “Will Bry and Vicky ever forgive me? Like you have?”

“Probably, just give it time okay?” TANYA. That was the name of the 3’rd friend… Anyway, I went off on a tangent there. Tanya, Lottie and I are watching some wild life programme, I see Vicky and Bryony on their way back from the shops or something so I leave. Lottie says something before I leave though. “They [Vicky & Bryony] won’t know how much this hurts, to be without you.”

I then go off. There’s then suddenly a book in my hand, some sort of, how to make ‘things’ manual. I don’t know, some graphic design thing, I see the author, ‘Lottie Moran’. I open it up. In the foreword there’ a dedication “Dedicated to someone I used to love very much.” And it lists all the little tiny things Lottie and I used to do for each other…. And ends with “I miss you so very much.”

Then when I’m thinking about going to Lottie and telling her how we made a mistake, how we should just bury the hatchet, fuck what her friends say and just admit to ourselves that we love each other… I wake up…

The dream was so vivid that the first thing I thought to do was text Lottie to thank her for the dedication in her book then I realised, it was a dream, it was a horrible dream… Love is still very one sided for me. Lottie probably doesn’t care if I’m dead in a ditch at this point and I, I’m probably going to take my own life before I’m 30.

Love hasn’t gotten me any dedications in a book; All I’ve gotten are regrets, scars and a bottle of fluoxetine.

For Lottie.