And talking about what ‘I’d do to them’ is going to help my frustration is it? Well actually it might help to ‘get it out’ this way rather than the way I’d prefer. ANYWAY.

First of all I won’t be naming names as there are three… Although one of them is Amanda Seyfried. For whoever it is I would choose, assuming we’ve finished the meal I’ve cooked for them with homemade desert a swell and a nice cup of tea, I would then FUCK THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THEM!!!!

Seriously. No seriously. In 12 days it’ll be a year to the day since I’ve had sex! I would RUIN them for any other man. I would make them scream so loud that the people THREE BLOCKS AWAY will call the police. I don’t care about them, my neighbours, or my fuckin’ house mates! [sorry guys.] I will FUCK. HER. SENSELESS.

I will turn her legs to jelly! Take her to a place that she hasn’t even read about in FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I’d fuck her so hard she’d be imagining the force ghosts of Yoda and Obi-wan behind me. The bed will shake, vibrate and bounce so violently, people will think there’s a dubstep nightclub in my room. She will have no taste for ANYTHING apart from my cock after I’m done with her. Honestly. She will fall on her knees whenever she would see me next I’d fuck her so good. I will heat up the Earth’s core with my fucking of her and then the movie ‘2012’ will actually happen because I fucked this girl so hard the Earth’s core HEATED UP and ‘NUTRENOS’ MUTATED!!! I will fuck her THAT HARD.

After she’s cum a inhumane amount of times and we’ve straightened things out with the police and my neighbours and my house mates, we’d snuggle up with some hot chocolates and watch Cartoon Network.

… God I’m lonely. Horniness and loneliness have very much become the same thing.

*Seriously, all those things I described? Yeah. Whoever is gonna bite the bullet and have sex with me is in for a treat.*