maybe just write it down? you don’t have to show anybody, just put it all down on paper. sounds odd, but i find it helps to order your thoughts and stuff o: also nobody is normal. and getting over someone you care about is always hard. :c <3
Well I just finished playing my guitar and screaming random words, never wrote them down but it kinda helped. The next time I sit to do that I’ll write something down, provided it isn’t nonsensical. And the getting over thing, well I DON’T care about Lottie any more. Admittedly, a small part of me still believes she an amazing person and misses everything about her [and wishes she was with me every day], but a big, BIG part of me wants to kick her in the ovaries. Over and over and over and ov… *cough cough* Anyway. All I’m trying to do is get over the anger and maybe with that be able to have a crush like a normal person.
I think what makes my crush on the redhead so unique, complicated and PAINFUL for me is that after Lottie, any feelings, tiny or large [and these current feelings are somewhere in the middle] will be mixed up with doubt, fear, anger and a hell of a lot of self esteem issues. Lottie left me because I wasn’t good enough for her anymore, and she was a pretty simple girl who didn’t look to boy bands or movie stars for an image of her ‘ideal man’, never asked me for grand gestures of love, never asked me for anything except kisses and the occasional chocolate bar [God I do miss her sometimes…] … To be dumped by someone like that means I’m the worst of the worst. I’m no better than a fucking cockroach.
What Lottie basically did to me was tear what tiny self esteem I had left apart and throw it into the dirt. Shit on it. Spat on it. Whatever other icky thing you can imagine. Now with that in mind, I’m 90% sure that what Lottie thinks of me, ugly, worthless, disgusting etc., is probably true and thus any chance with a girl who I think, personaly, is just gosh darn beautiful inside and out, and just… God I have no words, well, it’s near 0%.
Now this girl [Yes, I realise I’m basically writing down what I wanted in the first place but fuck it! I’m a natural writer. Once I start I can’t, WON’T stop], wow. First of all I don’t know how she can be so beautiful and not know. HAS NO ONE TOLD HER. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH THE STICK OF GANDALF THE WHITE! SHE’S BEAUTIFUL. I’D PUNCH A BABY IN IT’S FUCKING SOFT SPOT JUST TO TAKE HER TO THE SHOPS!!!… Not really, but I needed a good metaphor for how stunning she is. Here’s another: I think if it was between her and Amanda Seyfried [Yes my ULTIMATE Hollywood crush and fantasy]… I’d pick the redhead.
She’sreal,I know that doesn’t make sense so I’ll clarify. She honest, about who she is, what she wants and how she feels. She’s not scared to be who she wants to be. Not scared to admit the truth and she knows she might lose some friends and make some enemies along the way but she knows the value of honesty, something Lottie didn’t. Something a lot of people don’t… Including me.
There were moments in Edinburgh [I went there with a bunch of people from Uni, while they were exploring I was catching up with my childhood friends] when she would just look me in the eye and smile. Now at the time any ‘weird man feelings’ I had for her were gone, they had slowly been fizzled out by my out low self-esteem and Lottie’s re-emergence into my life after 7 months ‘scouse’ cold turkey. But after such a horrible few months of just booze and pill taking, being back home and having her smile at me like that made me feel like I was ‘normal’. Like I wasn’t a monster. To be honest, even when I was with Lottie, it felt like beauty and the beast, so in truth, it was the first time in maybe 8 years I didn’t feel like a monster. When she smiled at me, I felt like I was in a Wes Anderson film.
There were other times when I couldn’t sleep so I would be in the kitchen of the hostel we were staying in watching shows/ movies on my laptop, and she’d stay up and chat with me or watch TV or [in the case of THIS entry] open up Word Document and just act like a couple of kids. I felt at ease. I felt like I didn’t have to open up about anything because nothing was bothering me, it was just those moments I felt so fucking together and, again, NORMAL.
Now here’s the kicker(s).
- I am 99.9999% sure she has NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR ME WHAT SO EVER. She’s seen me at my worst, BOTH times. She’s seem me when I had nothing but my cigarettes and a whiskey bottle. She’s seen me passed out in the Student Union. She’s seen me just sitting alone pretending to read [that one doesn’t sound so dramatic does it? Well I can’t be bothered to highlight and press delete]. I’M PRETTY SURE SHE SEEN ME CRY WHICH IS NEVER, EVER GOOD. OH FUCK NO… Fuck. Anyway. I honestly think she was just being a friend, being there for someone who had struggled so hard after one blow just to be hit in the gut again. I think she was just being there with me in the early hours when no one else was [I really have to thank her for that at some point]. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think she’s into me.
- I have baggage. A LOT of it. Lottie Moran, Major Depression, random severe bouts Social Anxiety, self image issues, fear or everything, on and off alcohol and drug issues, FEAR OF SLEEP. And then there’s my genitives that heavily out way my positives: Ugliness no talent, no ability to do anything, no charm, no charisma. Nothing. Severe ugliness. Nerd. Quite honestly ANYONE would be insane if they went out on a date with me, shit, if they even went to Morrisons with me.
- She’s amazing. I’m me.
- I’m not even sure what these feelings mean. Am I genuinely falling for her [HONESTLY FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM. I’M NOT, OH NO HO NO HO NO! THE ‘L WORD’ [Not Lesbian… I’m not in Lesbians with her] I LIKE VENOM TO ME] or is this just an quick attachment I’m forming on account of losing someone. Is this just panic fancying someone because I can’t come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.
- She told me she didn’t want a boyfriend… Really that’s the only point I coulda made.
I feel like I should develop point 4 a little bit. If it was just ‘rebound’ thing, why is it happening AGAIN, long after I made my piece with point 5. And if it is just a rebound thing, why haven’t I ‘fallen for’ one of you guys. So many of you followers, including you starfish :3, have been so kind to me, giving me support, even going as far as telling me I’m not ugly! Why haven’t I proposed to you guys yet?
Whether it’s real or not it doesn’t change things.
- I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. Even if I fully get over Lottie, find a balance of pills and therapy, kick the booze and drugs, sleep 7 hours a day, smile every now and then, become happier with myself; it won’t change that I’m ugly. I’m a nerd. I’m pretty much worthless, even if I don’t know it/ pretend not to know it.
- She doesn’t want a boyfriend… maybe she wants a girlfriend… Am I crushing on a lesbian… Wouldn’t surprise me, I am an idiot.
- I have nothing to offer her apart from kindness, home cooked meals and multiplayer video games. I’m guessing she would want more.
I failed with Lottie. Lottie, the easiest girl to please in the world, who never asked me for anything and i fucked up that. It was relationships for DUMMIES and I fucked that up… I couldn’t possibly make anything work with the redhead.
I’m too ugly. Inside and out and even if she makes me forget it once in a while I’m still a monster.
How could a monster ever make a girl like that happy?
Lottie did the right thing leaving me. It’s best for everyone if I just stay alone, that way I won’t disappoint anyone apart from myself.
So yeah… I think I just ended up writing all out anyway. Honestly I don’t care who reads this, I’m not going to do anything about these feelings. I’m just gonna hope I can crush them deep deep deep down and get on with glueing the broken vase that is my life together. Fuck. I hope I don’t properly fall for her though. Like, past crushing and into ‘like like’ territory. I really don’t need that, especially if I never do anything about it… I DON’T need that. You hear me God? Give me a fucking break just once.
Anyway… Um….. How are you doing?