First two things I do when I wake up:

Check my tumblr.

Think to myself “She ain’t even an actual redhead…”

Edit: Thought number three. If I woke up next to her, she’d probably say something weird and awkward about the night before. Then again, so would I…

Sometimes, I’m glad I’m single… And I realise, two weird people don’t necessarily make a good couple.

[Look at me being mature. I still fancy her ROTTEN though.]

I’m a 21-year-old child with a 13-year-old school boy crush on a 20-year-old young woman

How to talk to your crush on facebook

Me: Okay. They're online, maybe I'll hang around for a bit and see if they wanna chat...
An hour later: Okay they're offline. Okay so maybe they know I wanna chat with them, Oh god, and they don't wanna talk to me, oh GOD!
Thirty minutes later: Okay. I don't wanna log off when they go offline because they'll come back online and KNOW I was only on to talk to them so I have to do it when they come onli... OH GOD SHE'S ONLINE IF I LOG OFF NOW IT'LL LOOK WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!
Lying face down in bed: I hate my life.

THIS STARTED OUT AS A REPLY AND TURNED INTO A SHORT NOVEL… WTF DWAYNE?

maybe just write it down? you don’t have to show anybody, just put it all down on paper. sounds odd, but i find it helps to order your thoughts and stuff o: also nobody is normal. and getting over someone you care about is always hard. :c <3

Well I just finished playing my guitar and screaming random words, never wrote them down but it kinda helped. The next time I sit to do that I’ll write something down, provided it isn’t nonsensical. And the getting over thing, well I DON’T care about Lottie any more. Admittedly, a small part of me still believes she an amazing person and misses everything about her [and wishes she was with me every day], but a big, BIG part of me wants to kick her in the ovaries. Over and over and over and ov… *cough cough* Anyway. All I’m trying to do is get over the anger and maybe with that be able to have a crush like a normal person.

I think what makes my crush on the redhead so unique, complicated and PAINFUL for me is that after Lottie, any feelings, tiny or large [and these current feelings are somewhere in the middle] will be mixed up with doubt, fear, anger and a hell of a lot of self esteem issues. Lottie left me because I wasn’t good enough for her anymore, and she was a pretty simple girl who didn’t look to boy bands or movie stars for an image of her ‘ideal man’, never asked me for grand gestures of love, never asked me for anything except kisses and the occasional chocolate bar [God I do miss her sometimes…] … To be dumped by someone like that means I’m the worst of the worst. I’m no better than a fucking cockroach.

What Lottie basically did to me was tear what tiny self esteem I had left apart and throw it into the dirt. Shit on it. Spat on it. Whatever other icky thing you can imagine. Now with that in mind, I’m 90% sure that what Lottie thinks of me, ugly, worthless, disgusting etc., is probably true and thus any chance with a girl who I think, personaly, is just gosh darn beautiful inside and out, and just… God I have no words, well, it’s near 0%.

Now this girl [Yes, I realise I’m basically writing down what I wanted in the first place but fuck it! I’m a natural writer. Once I start I can’t, WON’T stop], wow. First of all I don’t know how she can be so beautiful and not know. HAS NO ONE TOLD HER. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH THE STICK OF GANDALF THE WHITE! SHE’S BEAUTIFUL. I’D PUNCH A BABY IN IT’S FUCKING SOFT SPOT JUST TO TAKE HER TO THE SHOPS!!!… Not really, but I needed a good metaphor for how stunning she is. Here’s another: I think if it was between her and Amanda Seyfried [Yes my ULTIMATE Hollywood crush and fantasy]… I’d pick the redhead.

She’sreal,I know that doesn’t make sense so I’ll clarify. She honest, about who she is, what she wants and how she feels. She’s not scared to be who she wants to be. Not scared to admit the truth and she knows she might lose some friends and make some enemies along the way but she knows the value of honesty, something Lottie didn’t. Something a lot of people don’t… Including me.

There were moments in Edinburgh [I went there with a bunch of people from Uni, while they were exploring I was catching up with my childhood friends] when she would just look me in the eye and smile. Now at the time any ‘weird man feelings’ I had for her were gone, they had slowly been fizzled out by my out low self-esteem and Lottie’s re-emergence into my life after 7 months ‘scouse’ cold turkey. But after such a horrible few months of just booze and pill taking, being back home and having her smile at me like that made me feel like I was ‘normal’. Like I wasn’t a monster. To be honest, even when I was with Lottie, it felt like beauty and the beast, so in truth, it was the first time in maybe 8 years I didn’t feel like a monster. When she smiled at me, I felt like I was in a Wes Anderson film.

There were other times when I couldn’t sleep so I would be in the kitchen of the hostel we were staying in watching shows/ movies on my laptop, and she’d stay up and chat with me or watch TV or [in the case of THIS entry] open up Word Document and just act like a couple of kids. I felt at ease. I felt like I didn’t have to open up about anything because nothing was bothering me, it was just those moments I felt so fucking together and, again, NORMAL.

Now here’s the kicker(s).

1. I am 99.9999% sure she has NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR ME WHAT SO EVER. She’s seen me at my worst, BOTH times. She’s seem me when I had nothing but my cigarettes and a whiskey bottle. She’s seen me passed out in the Student Union. She’s seen me just sitting alone pretending to read [that one doesn’t sound so dramatic does it? Well I can’t be bothered to highlight and press delete]. I’M PRETTY SURE SHE SEEN ME CRY WHICH IS NEVER, EVER GOOD. OH FUCK NO… Fuck. Anyway. I honestly think she was just being a friend, being there for someone who had struggled so hard after one blow just to be hit in the gut again. I think she was just being there with me in the early hours when no one else was [I really have to thank her for that at some point]. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think she’s into me.
2. I have baggage. A LOT of it. Lottie Moran, Major Depression, random severe bouts Social Anxiety, self image issues, fear or everything, on and off alcohol and drug issues, FEAR OF SLEEP. And then there’s my genitives that heavily out way my positives: Ugliness no talent, no ability to do anything, no charm, no charisma. Nothing. Severe ugliness. Nerd. Quite honestly ANYONE would be insane if they went out on a date with me, shit, if they even went to Morrisons with me.
3. She’s amazing. I’m me.
4. I’m not even sure what these feelings mean. Am I genuinely falling for her [HONESTLY FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM. I’M NOT, OH NO HO NO HO NO! THE ‘L WORD’ [Not Lesbian… I’m not in Lesbians with her] I LIKE VENOM TO ME] or is this just an quick attachment I’m forming on account of losing someone. Is this just panic fancying someone because I can’t come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life. 
5. She told me she didn’t want a boyfriend… Really that’s the only point I coulda made.

I feel like I should develop point 4 a little bit. If it was just ‘rebound’ thing, why is it happening AGAIN, long after I made my piece with point 5. And if it is just a rebound thing, why haven’t I ‘fallen for’ one of you guys. So many of you followers, including you starfish :3, have been so kind to me, giving me support, even going as far as telling me I’m not ugly! Why haven’t I proposed to you guys yet?

Whether it’s real or not it doesn’t change things.

1. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. Even if I fully get over Lottie, find a balance of pills and therapy, kick the booze and drugs, sleep 7 hours a day, smile every now and then, become happier with myself; it won’t change that I’m ugly. I’m a nerd. I’m pretty much worthless, even if I don’t know it/ pretend not to know it.
2. She doesn’t want a boyfriend… maybe she wants a girlfriend… Am I crushing on a lesbian… Wouldn’t surprise me, I am an idiot.
3. I have nothing to offer her apart from kindness, home cooked meals and multiplayer video games. I’m guessing she would want more.

I failed with Lottie. Lottie, the easiest girl to please in the world, who never asked me for anything and i fucked up that. It was relationships for DUMMIES and I fucked that up… I couldn’t possibly make anything work with the redhead.

I’m too ugly. Inside and out and even if she makes me forget it once in a while I’m still a monster.

How could a monster ever make a girl like that happy?

Lottie did the right thing leaving me. It’s best for everyone if I just stay alone, that way I won’t disappoint anyone apart from myself.

So yeah… I think I just ended up writing all out anyway. Honestly I don’t care who reads this, I’m not going to do anything about these feelings. I’m just gonna hope I can crush them deep deep deep down and get on with glueing the broken vase that is my life together. Fuck. I hope I don’t properly fall for her though. Like, past crushing and into ‘like like’ territory. I really don’t need that, especially if I never do anything about it… I DON’T need that. You hear me God? Give me a fucking break just once.

Anyway… Um….. How are you doing?

So my ex girlfriend looks at my blog a lot more than I thought

Come on dude…

Be confident. Be like ‘Hey :)’. Be brilliant. Be spontaneous. Be assertive. Be charming. Be brave. Be awesome. Do it dude! DO EEET!!!
…

…I’ll do it tomorrow.

It’s 6.30 am. I’m not in the slightest tired. The rock in my stomach is keeping me up.

Hi followers and rebloggers =]

Now I know I might seem like a happy-go-lucky, woop woop kinda guy… Well that’s cause I am. But it didn’t come easy, and it’s only come in the last few months.
You won’t know this but over a year ago I was dumped outta a 3 year relationship and for a year after that moment I was drinking myself to black outs, playing with drugs and falling apart every single day.

After over a year of dealing with what that BITCH did to me I’m finally happy. I still have my health (thank fuck, cause my liver is mush), I still have my friends who I love and would do anything for me, my family, same deal with my friends and my video games. The worlds I escape in, the worlds I WIN in.

As it’s taken a year to get over things, it’s taken me a year to realize I’m single. And that’s been fucking awful. One thing I will say about the BITCH, is that she didn’t mind I was a nerd, she loved it even, but she soon didn’t, she became like EVERY OTHER GIRL. No girls like nerds, especially the girls I crush on, the ones I Like, the ones who make me smile for no fucking reason… THEY. DON’T. LIKE . NERDS.

They assume, anyone who spends more than an hour, two tops, on video games is a no go for them.

I don’t get it. I’m a NICE GUY. I’m respectable, I’m kind, I’m considerate, and I don’t want to toot my own horn but a HELL OF A CHEF. Just because I spend a lot of my time playing video games and being a nerd doesn’t mean I’m a cave dweller. I love getting out in the sunshine. I play [American] Football. I go jogging. I play guitar. I’m writing a few screen plays. And, I’m gonna say it, I’m a FUCKING AMAZING SHAG (not my words, those of every woman I’ve been ‘fortunate’ with) and I would make a HELL OF A GOOD BOYFRIEND. But nope. When the ladies see my ‘Lego Star Wars T-shirt’ they be like:

But there is the odd chance when a girl I like might show some interest, then I realize, “This is the first time I’ve been properly single in my entire life! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!?!?!?”.
Casual facebook conversations make me shake. The prospect of being in the same room as them makes me wanna hide under my covers. And the idea of a date with them spawns a huge jagged rock in my stomach the size of Europe.

You know. I asked someone out for a date. I’m tempted to send another message saying “Scratch that, don’t worry, I don’t know what I was saying. Don’t worry.” Because it would be much easier to do that than have to have to deal with the inevitable rejection or easier to make her forget my crush (but seeing that it’s been about 3 weeks of this, maaaaybe more than a crush…. UGH I FEEL 16 AGAIN!!! FFFFFFFFFU-) and I can just do this:

You know the worst thing though? I feel like a fucking child again. When I was 15, crushing on girls I could never get. I’m 21 in 2 months and 2 fucking days! I’m a fully grown man and I’m acting like a kid! What the fuck is wrong with me. You know how people my age get together? As far as I know people don’t ‘date’ anymore and just hook up at parties and night clubs and decide to fornicate on a regular basis after that but hey, I’m old school hip hop so i still ‘date’… And that must make me absolutely revolting to every woman…

Now don’t get me wrong by this rant; I’ve drank a pint of Gin and some whiskey and I’m angry and I feel like a kid BUT I still love my life. I have friends who I just, god I love them to bits, more than I could any woman. My family are there for me always and I got my hobbies, writing, video games, football, guitar. If I don’t ‘get’ this girl, life will go on, no fucking worries, I’ll get to where I want to be… But there will always be one thing that will get me down.

Not having a girl mutually like me.
Because I’m not the smartest guy in the world, because I’m [BY FUCKING FAR] not the best looking guy, because I’m not chiseled, not trendy, not got good taste in films or music. Because I play video games… I’ll never have a girl like me. And that bums me out…

But you know what?
I put on some Reggae. I have a cigarette and I play some Halo with my bros. Then I think, “You can’t have it all dude. But don’t worry, what you’ll lack in a girlfriend, you’ll make up in friends. You’ll make up in a great life you’ll make for yourself… And everything will be okay”. Then I feel good after that.

…
You know what. I won’t tell that girl, “Never mind that date thingy. I’m an idiot. Let’s not go out. etc etc.”

If she says yes, then KICK ASS. If she says no… Well Tomorrow is just another day =]. Or should I say today…. Shit, it’s 7.20 a.m.! Haha. Maybe I can sleep now that I feel a bit better about rejection… Or just play more Halo.

Thank for reading this crap.
Back to nice cheery Nerdcore now =]