What happened is what I expected, but it still hurt and now I’m just going to bury myself with work, plus I have a funeral to go to so… Anyway, sorry to dissapoint ya’ll but yeah um, I can’t really say more than that, PM me if you NEED to know more otherwise talk to you when I get out the other end…
it’s never really good. It could be worse, but it could be a hell of a lot better. Who ever said honesty is the best policy is a big ol’ cunt!
Yep. Not reading that today.
It’s shameful, weak and pathetic.
I don’t know whether to write a story, write a poem or write a song.
“Don’t you fucking Judge me you cunt.”
I’m losing my mind.
- How can I NOT fall in love with her?!?!? [She is the single most coolest person ON EARTH]
- How are we still not together… I mean I know why and it’s totally cool and I respect her and in a lot of ways agree with her but… WHY!?!? WHY!?!? WHHHHHY!?!?!
That felt cool.
She thinks I’m handsome…
She pointed out several things about me she likes, several of those things were on my face.
I don’t know what this all means. I have mixed feelings, several of which I’m fighting to keep down, but the main thing is the most important person in the world to me doesn’t think I’m ugly. Whether others agree with her or not, I don’t reckon so, but she doesn’t think it… Damn…
After a tweet regarding my health (after those anons I thought my brain was going to explode. No really. I almost blacked out):
I go downstairs to make a cuppa tea and make some cereal, calm me down a bit. I come back upstairs and I see two missed calls and two texts from someone I didn’t expect them from…
I dunno what to think. I know that making her laugh made me feel, see, a tiny glimpse of what it was like to be ‘happy’, like I was worth something and I meant something to someone. The fact that she was so scared she called and texted to make sure I was okay from my hazy tweet means so much to me.
But I ain’t a fool. I know I shouldn’t look into anything, I know I shouldn’t be a fool. I know it was just her being a friend. But, it was nice to make someone I care about more than anything in the world laugh. It was nice to feel happy again…
Thinking it’s pretty romantic and witty.
Then realising it’s now on the long list of stupid things you’ve said to them.
Lottie, she’s just a girl, and even though I haven’t seen her for the best part of a year, chances are, she’s still just a little girl doing whatever it takes to be accepted, probably gone off with the first guy who gave her positive attention. It’s not a criticism, just an observation of someone who is as lost as I am, I mean she went out with me! I’m a little shti, a great skinny lanky ugly shit. She was only with me because I made her feel good about herself until better looking boys did that… What a waste of three years. I wish that I could ask her “Was it worth it, destroying me, were those boys worth it in the end?”
But this isn’t really a rant about my ex who i do hope is well and comes to her senses despite the years she stole from me… It’s just, I sit here trying to skip a story to a friend of mine on here, talking about crushes and such and I’m explaining why it’s complicated with my crush, the redhead. Now usually I say ‘it’s cause she’s an independant woman who don’t need no man to know who she is *snaps fingers in a Z shape*’. No… it’s me, I spent two years fighting for someone so much that it not only took away parts of my spirit that would grab my crush, yell ‘…<INSERT SOMETHING ROMANTIC>’ and just kiss her, the two year fight took away my will to fight and my sight, to the point where Lottie was ALL I could see for myself. I was too blind to see she was killing me, heck, she still is. The moments where I am completely alone, I long for the comfortable and the familiar…
Not only that, but the fighting made me look like a nutcase… I mean, to be honest, I look back and I think I wouldn’t have done it differently. I showed passion, I showed love, I showed that I was human… I kinda liked him, he had some fight in him, even though he was fighting for the wrong person, be it for the right reasons. A lost fight. Fuck. In those two years I could have met the redhead maybe a year earlier, I could have been more assertive, more of a man that what I am now; a bumbling idiot boy, like a ‘geek’ in a old 20s disney cartoon, dropping my glasses in the ol’ fishin’ hole.
And now, I have no fight left in me. When people tell me, and this happened a few weeks ago, GO FOR IT, I… I can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered with being disappointed, with having someone say no, to having deep feelings unreciprocated Heck, I’m not even bothered enough to admit anything more than a crush. It’s not that my feelings for her aren’t strong, fuck, I think the world of her, she’s not only a brilliant example of a woman, but of a human being, and I KNOW that if more people were like her, the world would be beautiful the sun would shine everyday and everyone would have a smile on their face. And cheese would be really expensive due to high demand and popularity.
She’s majestically beautiful, and so smart it intimidates me, generous with her time, money and spirit and makes me look like the devil [which isn’t a bad thing. If rock music taught anything, it’s that Hell is COOOL!]. She has this hair that… Well, because of Jack White (if you ask I’ll tell) I’ve been in love with anything redheaded since I was 13. She is crazy, and I don’t mean boil my rabbit crazy (I’m curious to see how many people ACTUALLY KNOW where that reference comes from) but just quirky crazy, like the lead female role in a Wes Anderson film. She has a smile that breaks through every fucking wall and shield I put up, and a laugh, such a beautiful laugh that kills the last of my defences till it’s just me, raw and real… I never let anyone see that side of me, not face to face anyway… She reminds me of the most brilliant times in my life, back in Edinburgh when I’d go to the chippy with Lewis, or in Queensferry when I’d sit by the pier with Emika or just go shopping in Princess Street with mum. She reminds me of when I was innocent.
A few years ago I went back to Edinburgh on a trip with the University, a trip the redhead attended and walking around my home with her, a place I hadn’t gone back to sinceI went with Lottie because the memoires of her had ‘tainted’ my home, well having the redhead there, it did something. I didn’t just replace memories of Lottie with the redhead, that’s not really productive, but just having her there made me RECLAIM my home… Edinburgh is my home again, I owe the redhead for that, but I’ve never told her…
She makes me feel free, like I’m not a monster like I’m photogenic, appreciated, wanted and important. She makes me feel human. No one has ever made me feel that way, not fully… But I’m so tired. So tired of everything. I know nothing will happen because she’s seen me at my worst, when Lottie had her thumb pressed right on my skull, crushing me into myself, she’s seen me fall apart, she’s seen me when I was as small as a pin. How can a woman fall for you, when she’s seen how weak you can be, how weak you really are. I would never expect her to fall for me, to see me as more than a friend when she’s seen how frail I am… Even though I feel like I’m stronger because of what’s happened with Lottie, I feel like thats only because she knows that strength is a charade at best. It’s not strength, it’s fear, it’s the reason I never talk to pretty girls I don’t know, it’s the reason I barely give people eye contact when I speak to them (unless it’s a boss) it’s the reason I never go out, never socialize or lie, constantly lie through my teeth about how I am, about who I am. She sees the walls I’ve put up, and I’m pretty sure she’s scared of tearing them down, and I’m scared as well, I’m scared of what would happen, and I’m scared I’d never let her…
After Lottie, I can’t bare to feel anything more than a crush, call it cognitive psychology, but I feel that nothing good can ever come from ‘love’. It’s a fools game, and I’m not a fool, I’m an ugly monster, and ugly monsters have no business playing that game. Or maybe these are all excuses I tell myself just so I never have to make something happen asas my h housemate puts it. ‘If nothing is gonna happen, then make something happen. Help her see that you’d be good for eachother’. Haha, it’s funny, from the people who know us both and know how I feel, I get that opinion over and over, and I don’t deny it, we would… But there’s just something about me that is just trouble maybe it’s the emotional instability the major depression disorder the social anxiety, my face (probably, I know one her ‘exes’ and he makes me look… Well like me! Haha!), or maybe it’s because I’m a coward, a man who’d rather blog his feelings rather than tell them is no man at all.
But you know, I think I’ve done my time with ‘love & affection . I had 3 years of it and what did it lead to? Well take a good look. I’m a psychological mess. I’m damaged goods, fuck, I’M BROKEN. Thats what I am now, permanently broken. Whether its a case of Lottie, the redhead, or any other girl ever, I will never ever be good enough for them. never again. I’m scared, and the scar is ugly, it still bleeds from time to time and I can’t stitch it up or hide it. It’s always there and the redhead sees it… It’s the look on my face when she walks away, it’s the what ifs that go through my brain whenever we talk and it’s the fear that I feel whenever I think about the rest of my life alone.
I’m done with love, I’m done with intimacy, I’m done with human kindness, and I’m certainly done with the idea that any woman that I fall for, and I mean really deeply fall for, could ever actually feel the same way. It’s not something for ugly monsters to think about. I’ll just get a dog, live in my nice expensive apartment, thousands of miles away from england with all of my nice expensive things and, surrounded by my failures, trying to run away from the memories of Lottie Moran and living an empty life, always thinking, “Remember that redhead? What if…”
God, kill me. Kill me now. I’ve had enough of being a monster.