I sometimes lay awake at night thinking, “Is there anyone out there who actually wants to fuck me?” Is that normal?

After watching ‘The is England ‘88’ :

I’m remember a lot of painful memories, my own [Spoiler alert] attempts on my life, the loneliness brought on from dealing with so many fears and anxieties alone, the guilt of doing so many bad things in the past.

This is, there’s no poetic justice for me, no romanticised end. A lot of people would argue that the way This is England ‘88 ended for Lol and Woody was a bit too convenient, but I think, after all that pain and misery no other kind of ending would have been right. 

And I just wish I could have that kind of ending. Just someone to hold me, to joke with me and make me laugh. Because all of the pain, the misery from the past two years, even though I’ve let go of the cause, the pain is still there.

I just wish I had someone to hold onto tonight, so I don’t feel so alone…

But, such is life. Some people deserve to have friends, loved ones around the, to hug, to laugh and to cry with, some people don’t. Some people deserve to be alone.

I just hate that I’m one of those people.

I wish we were outside in my garden again having a cigarette.

That felt cool.

That walk home alone was painful… I feel so alone.

I think it’s just all my feelings (I fucking hate my feelings), and how disgusting and useless they are. I hate being me, being me means that anything I feel that isn’t hate is completely moot because of my worthlessness as a human being.

I love you guys I really do, but it’s pretty worrying that I feel most confident when I’m on the internet but i can’t look anyone in the eye face to face.

I know I should fix that but I can’t. I’m scared; it’s useless because of, well, me; I hate myself and I know most of the world shares my feelings; I’m ugly; I’m boring and just, why should I? 

I’m inadequate, but why should I have to change myself to be accepted? it’s not fair… Ugh. I dunno.

I want something to eat. Food makes me happy. Food’s pretty much my best friend. 

God? If you’re there, can I have someone tonight to eat pizza with, then maybe fuck until we can see big purple dots and then eat more pizza with. Maybe Ice cream too?

Well that last anon question got me in floods of tears [don’t worry, it’s wasn’t you, just had to stop and think about how I actually have NO ONE here that would happily be with me]. Be right back. I need a cigarette…

Can I have a girlfriend please?

• Likes the occasional video game.
• Likes Star Wars over Star Trek [But I’m not really fussy…]
• Likes to eat and doesn’t worry about calories or anything like that.
• Likes to lie in bed and watch tv shows on their laptops.
• Likes long walks and pointless discussions about the purpose of the duck billed platypus. 
• Doesn’t mind my eczema.
• Doesn’t mind my past.
• Doesn’t mind me.
• Could love me…

I’m asking for too much with those last two aren’t I?

• EDIT & ADDITION: Doesn’t mind a little rough and crazy sex.

I really am asking a lot now…

I miss…

Ugh. I just don’t know…

I just want a snuggle tonight… =[ No sex. No kissing. Just someone to hold onto and wake up next to.

And maybe make her a cup of tea in the morning. If she want’s one.

I feel like I should apologize for openly asking everyone on tumblr to have sex with me;

But I’m not.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for the fact I haven’t had sex in a year. I should have to apologize about having not had anyone kiss me, hold my hand or tell me that I MEAN SOMETHING to them in a year.

I should have to apologize for feeling alone, and desperate for something meaningful in my life again. For the feel of someone’s skin against mine and for someone’s smile as I wake up again. I shouldn’t have to apologize for wanting to see the sun shine though beautiful long hair again. For wanting to make breakfast in bed for someone who means the world to me. For wanting say ‘I love you’ again and not have it rip me apart like a morning star.

Why should I have to apologise for being alone, after my attempts have been laughed at and responded to with insults? Why should I apologize for wanting to feel better after hearing I’ve lost a chance with someone I cared about and throwing away a chance with a girl who needs some hope in her life… Who’d I like to kiss and hold very much?

Why should I apologize for my mental illness, the scars on my chest and on my heart? For what has been done to me? For a 3 year lie I was told? For looking at the stars and hoping against hope that someone… Even her, the ex, is looking at the same stars, and thinking of me? Why should I apologize for any thing?

I will apologize for one thing though. 

I’m sorry for being here and for being born.

I wasn’t a child of ‘wedlock’. You could say I was planned. But, after life throwing obstacle after obstacle and after every failure I wake up with, attached to my chest like a medal made of bloody thorns and crude oil, it’s clear to see that I’m not meant to be here. I should be dead. I know I’m only 21, but look at my life, look how pathetic I am. I should have died so many times before.

I am taking up other peoples time, their air and space. I’m taking up a life that could be better lived by a better person. I am useless, ugly and a monster but for some stupid reason I carry on, hoping against all hope that I will live ‘happily ever after’ when that end will never exist for me. I am a monster and monsters always perish in the end.

I’m sorry for being here.

Thank you for following me despite my faults and endless complaining however just or unjust it is, thank you for reading these pathetic and useless posts, thank you for saying hello to me at uni instead of ignoring me, thank you for serving me pints and smiles, thank you for laughing at my jokes and calling me a ‘friend’ in public. Thank you for not treating me like so, so many have done before. Like you should.

I’m sorry for the dissapointment I am, and I hope for your sakes that I burn out, sooner rather than later. 

Anyway. That’s all I wanted to say. I’m going to go back to Halo and wishing someone would knock on my door and love me.

A monster can still dream.

My weekly rant: I don’t quite get it.

Good looking dude ‘casually’ sitting on his own, reading a book, girls come to sit with him. He’s not doing anything particularly ‘charismatic’; he isn’t sitting in such a way that warrants an ‘instant physiological blow job’. He’s just sitting there, coat on, reading a fucking book. BANG, girls come round to sit and converse with him. He’s so important that whatever these girls came in the SU to do, they forgot about to instantly surround themselves around some [drama student] wanker.

Now I don’t hold myself in a charismatic way, but I try attempt to be confident, whatever the fuck that is. I try and hold myself in a way that people, not just women, will want to surround themselves with. Now I do adore and even love my friends here in Bristol, I really do, but I know I’m second best to them. It’s something about my ugliness, my harsh voice or my pale and tired face, that I hasten to add has come from two years of self abuse [in turn, from a woman’s abuse and neglect] that is hard to undo and recover from. Nonetheless I TRY. I try and smile, even though it may be fake, I try to LIE and tell everyone it’s okay.

To be honest, I feel most comfortable when I do what I want, laugh like a moron at stupid things, Look intensely at things that don’t need it, dance randomly at crappy songs from the 90s. For some reason SOCIETY has created rules against these acts. Against a man who looks like me, both body and face. In terms of society and due to what a woman from the north did to me, I am a monster. I’m ugly. I just don’t get it. Really, why does every person I know here in Bristol think I’m ugly inside and out and… I just don’t understand anything anymore.

Last night, I showed a little bit of hope after watching ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’, that maybe there’s a woman out there for me who gets how weird I am and even adores it, could even love it. I have been, once again, hit by the harsh truth, that life is not a movie. That weirdness displayed by last nights characters, at least were I am, is not seen as anything good, useful or attractive, life is an incredible pile of shit that I can not avoid.

This isn’t a movie, and for me there’s no happily ever after, nor poetic justice. Just a shit load of pathetic phalicy whenever it rains. Well there she goes, I went 5 minutes without making eye contact with a girl I’m crazy about between the moments she came into the SU to the moment she left. It’s the way it’s got to be. Guys like me get plenty of breaks in the movies. This ain’t the movies.

This is utter bull shit. I fucking hate my life. I could think of nothing more fitting and beneficial to me than dying right now. Right. Now. Walking home and trying not to walk into a car is going to be especially hard tonight.

It’s a wonder how I’ve gone so long without cutting.

I remember Lottie once told me “I love you” in Elvish… I think that’s why I went without watching LOTR for two years

Maybe one day… One day someone will say it to me again, in Wookie. I don’t ever see that day coming but one can dream. Even after all hope has died and his past dreams with it…

If I had a girlfriend I’d fuck her till the bed broke right now.