I don’t know why but i did it. I unblocked Lottie. This is what I left her with:

I can’t believe I’m doing this but people in my life told me that it might help me, that it might help me on the next step on my life and after so long, it’s time for me to go on ti the next chapter in my life.

I’ve graduated, well will do in July, I’m getting a new place, either in Bristol or California depending on wether or not I get the job, I’m finally starting to move on. I guess this is me trying to get closure, trying to FINALLY end a chapter in my life that was all about you and maybe start one that’s more about me. 

I want to say sorry, the break up took a year too long and it tore me apart to the point where I’m not who I used to be at all. But I’m trying to find out who that guy was and if I can be him again. I see you met someone else. I’m not going to lie, at first a wave of shock hit me and hit me hard but now I’m actually smiling. I’m sincerly happy you met someone else, really I can’t explain how happy I am that you met someone. I only hope he makes you happy, and that he’s a better man than I was. I’m still trying to make things work with Amanda Seyfried, kinda hard as she’s in California and I’m in Bristol and she’s a Hollywood actress and we’ve never met. ONE DAY!

I guess you could say I’m fine. I drink A LOT less then I did, I eat healthy (well I try to), still smoke but I’ve cut down, still making films and ivewjuat finished my 15 minute masterpeice. Kinda getting into Star Trek after all these years, but just cause of Star Trek Into Darkness and I have confused man feelings for Benedict Cumberbatch =P  (yes. You turned your ex boyfriend gay. Congradulations! =P)

 I guess i just felt that after all these years and after a long time thinking i was too late to get closure, i just needed to see if i was right. My gran died recently (I’m actually on a train back home right now to go to the funeral) and thinking about her and how proud of me she was, she wouldn’t be very proud if i left things the way the were between us and if i didn’t give myself the chance to properly move on. I want to because you have and I’m really happy that you have, it’s time for me to aswell. 

I guess that’s all i have to say. Sorry if this knocked you back for 10, it’s like getting a message from a ghost right? I hope you’re well and I’d love to hear about your life, what you’re up to, how your life is and your new fella! Is he the mike i know (i always knew.it by the way =P didn’t i?). I’d actually like to take a stab at being friends, putting the past behind and actually living my life properly and that means putting old demons to rest.

anyway, i got another 3 hours on the train, another 3 hours of my bum being numb and another 3 hours without a fag! (my hands are shaking and i dunno if its cause im sending you this message or i havn’t had a cigarette in a while!). All the best and get back to me. I’d really like to hear from you.

With thoughs, Dwayne

I can’t believe it. After two long years of destructive, horrible instance abuse, self harm suicidal thoughts not to mention attempts, pain, tears. Two long years or despair, I’m finally ready to finish that chapter in my life and move on to the next. I’m so happy Lottie found someone else. I hope that guy knows how incredably lucky he is and never treats her as badly as I did and never lets her go. He’s got an angel in his pocket there.

Now, 3 more hours and I’m in Edinburgh, I can say goodbye to my granmother and also to the demons who plagued my life for two long years.

Goodbye.

And so I lie here in bed not doing much. Radiohead playing. One of our many songs starts to play. I light up a cigarette.

I think, well I know I need some closure. I need to feel ‘better’ about it all but in my heart, deep in my heart, I think it might be best if I never see her again.

I imagine sometimes a hall, a grand hall like a train station; what’s that one in New York? Grand Central? Anyway, that hall is full of people, people I’ve never met, I don’t recognize and will never formally meet. I can hear their conversations; one is on her phone and late for work; there’s a couple trying to keep up with each other as they argue down the hall, a father with his daughter on their way to a theme park, a trip they’ve been planning for weeks.

Hundreds of people with hundreds of lives that I don’t want to concern myself about; hundreds of faces telling hundreds of stories I will never know or may never want to know; hundreds of lives whizzing past me as I go on to whatever train or bus or plane that will take me to whatever future that is waiting for me. And then I see her.

Lottie Moran, for the first time in years I see her and she sees me and as we walk toward each other our eyes lock. We both remember our lives together, we both remember the love we once shared, the painful parts of the relationship, the great and beautiful parts of the relationship. We both remember each other in all our glory and our weakness and our eyes are fixed on each others, for that moment as we walk toward each other everyone disappears and it’s just us, in this huge and grand hall. Our footsteps echo and bounce off each other and as we meet in the middle, as all our memories become one entity for one solid second. We continue to walk. Our eye contact is broken and it will never be made again. We walk past each other and neither of us look back.

Lottie was the most important person in my life at one point, and still is and throughout my life and my career she always will be, but she is also my past and part of a very painful and destructive past, a past that almost killed me, a past I try and ignore everyday. Maybe I do need closure, maybe I do need to talk to her, sit down, have a Guinness or two like we used to, maybe it would be good for us, but in my heart I know that either way, if I speak to her and maybe forgive her and she forgives me, maybe even become friends or I never see her again it doesn’t matter. It will make no difference.

My life, me, I’m broken permanently  nothing will fix that and all I know is where I need to be, not where I want to be.What I wanted left a long time ago. I tried being selfish for a time, going after things that I wanted. Jobs; relationships; money; pride and none of that worked out for me. All I know is where I have to be and what I HAVE to do. Lottie played a part in putting me on that road but she isn’t on the way to the end.

I miss her. I will admit it, I do, and I don’t hate her, as much as I have claimed to in the past on here, to my friends, I don’t and I never will. I will always have the tiniest flame in my heart for her but that’s because she influenced me in a major way, my writing, my film making, my path but that’s all she is now; a memory that inspired me. A ghost who haunts my dreams from time to to. A question, a thousand questions, that will never be answered.

When it comes to her, I’m fickle and no doubt in a few months I’ll be asking you all again ‘Should I try and talk to her?’ but as my mouse cursor hovers over the ‘unblock’ button and as I try and attempt to open up a box that should be opened, that should be dealt with, that can not be ignored or hidden away anymore, I just know, deep in my heart, that it truly will make no difference to who I’ve become, to how broken I am and to where I will end up in 20 years.

She’s just a ghost and I am a ghost to her. I think that maybe, it’s best that we stay that way. I’ll never find closure, I’ll never find answers and I’ll never be able to fix myself because of everything that happened but maybe, maybe that’s for the best…

No matter what happens now, you shouldn’t be afraid  Because I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen.

I think I’m going to hold fire on talking to Lottie [for the time being]:

Mainly because I’m really thinking about what ‘closure’ is, what it feels like, what significance does it hold and after two years (one of which spent drunkenly fighting and the other reluctantly staying defiant) do I really need closure; after all this time?

And besides, after all these years, will Lottie even think she owes me any closure? Did I ever deserve it in the first place?

Maybe you should, it could be some closure that you need to finally let the past stay in the past. I don’t think it’s a completely terrible idea, you might want to consider doing it, dear.

Thank you love. It’s something that I’ll be thinking about A LOT over the next few weeks.

“I just ment you should realy talkto her about this.”

I speant a long time not thinking about what that anon said last night, mostly because the spelling was atrocious! But really, I don’t have the time to… But with that in mind, I’ve kind of cleared my head and had time to think… Would it be a bad thing if we talked? Would it make things better? I miss my friend, not just a woman who I fell for.

I don’t know, I’m finding myself wishing that anon does convince Lottie to contact me, talk to me, it’s been so long; but at the same time I can’t think of a single reason why it would help or if it would even change things… I know they say ’ You don’t know until you try’ but, is trying to speak to her even worth it?

Hey anon, get back to me, after telling you everything, where I am emotionally and mentally and explaining how I feel do you still think that talking to Lottie would be a good idea?

See followers, this is the kinda shit I have to put up with, anon threats that really do nothing…

Yeah Lottie and I should talk, but what fucking good would it do?!?! Nothing, that’s what I think and to focus on two posts when for the past year every single post about Lottie has practically been an UNSENT LOVE LETTER.

FUCK. ING. HELL. What the fuck was wrong with that person, that is the lowest, the lowest act anyone has taken up against me. I am physically disgusted!

What do you guys think?

Well anon? What are you going to do? By all means, tell Lottie about my blog, show her the posts about my anger, how I felt lied to, but do me 2 favours?

1. Show her the other posts, because you showing her just 1 day of anger after 2 years of love and devotion is NOT FUCKING FAIR and you are not a good person for doing that to me, even though you don’t fucking know me, it’s a HORRIBLE thing to do considering everything I’ve been through over 2 years. And,
2. Please tell me before you tell her, because I’d like to have some warning before I have to ‘have the talk’ again… Prepare myself, buy some whiskey at least.

Oh and yes, I deleted those two ‘bad’ posts about Lottie that I put. 

1. Because I regret them.
2. Because I don’t want Lottie to think I hate her when I don’t, I’m just angry at the choices she made. And,
3. Two posts out of hundreds of posts about how much I love her. Two fucking posts, really dude? You’re gonna play me like that? Fuck! Real fucking big, man, real fucking big!

Get back to me anon if you still have a fucking spine, ‘cause kicking a man when he’s lower than low, real fucking nice.

My ex-girlfriend was such a fucking liar! I’m so fucking angry! I’M. SO. FUCK. ING. ANRY!!!!!

My last thought before I slept was Lottie, but my first thought when I woke was of someone else

Maybe it’s a sign… It’s not a sign about the other girl [but if I were to waste 3 years of my life with anyone else, it would’ve been her… And I wouldn’t have fucked it up]. It means the last 3 months of me falling down the hole that Lottie dug for me is just part of a yearly cycle.

Every year around our anniversary and the date she left me I get like this, I hate that it’s when deadlines start popping out of nowhere. I go through the same thing every year and it’s about this time I get over it.

I guess this is the end of this year’s cycle. It will probably happen again next year. Anyway, for a second time this year I’ll be deleting my folder of pictures of Lottie from my computer and my phone and just trying to get on with things. 

I handled this year better than last year, I didn’t get black out drunk… more than three times! Anyway, got to go to work, and then come home and FINISH my DISSERTATION!

I hope the rest of the year goes well…

On thing though… Lottie has stolen so much from me, I wish i could talk to her again, just to see if she actually has any remorse or if she enjoys seeing me like this…

is she currently taken? if not…you should talk to her, man

As far as I know she isn’t, but I have no way of communicating with her.

It’s a lost cause dude. It has been for two years.

I know I forced myself not to, but all I can think about is her. Gad damn her!!!! FUCK! I’m tired…

All I’ve done today is sleep and I have so much uni work to do for next week.

I’m fucked.

All because I can’t get that girl, Lottie, out of my fucking head.