It is very fucking hard being eccentric.
Not random. Eccentric. There is a difference.
It’s the struggle. But then again, that’s what gives the eccentric true conviction…
Alas, it’s lonely, which is ironic. In England, the birth place of the eccentric comedian, it is here that I am loneliest. At this time, it is ‘random’ that makes you popular, that determines your value, your worth as a boyfriend, as arm candy, as anything of any worth.
Yet, I’m incredibly eccentric. I make jokes that not many understand, I laugh at things that many won’t find in good taste and I indulge in things that people think are, for lack of a better word, taboo. Nothing extreme, just foreign films, kids cartoons, video games, normal things to you on Tumblr, butweirdandchildishto people here. And furthermore, my reluctance to change who I am almost isolates me. I have friends, I do, but there’s always something that makes me feel like something is missing; and furthermore, likeI’m notmeantto be there.
It’s ironic though. I spent 3 years trying to be like every other guy instead of myself: eccentric, strange, not normal, traits that an innocent, beautiful [both inside and out] and free girl loved. It was my reluctance to be ME that pushed her away, that caused her to become… Whatever she became… A stranger to me…
Now, after a year of trying to find myself, through drugs, through alcohol, and through near death… I found that myself was there all along, screaming for 3 years to come out, scratching at the inside of my heart, begging me to be the person I was born as. Begging me to do it before it was too late. And then, when it was far too late, I discovered myself, huddled in the corner of my mind, who’s eyes had not seen the light of day in years, who ears had not heard a persons voice or felt the company of another for 3 years; Skin, barren and dry, voice almost suffocated out of him by my ignorance, spirit all but crushed under the weight of my own self destruction, denial and grief. He was someone who deserved to be apart of that relationship. It was a good one while it lasted…
Anyway. Even though it isn’t too late for the rest of my life, I am constantly reminded that I am alone. There’s no one there to text me and say “You fancy coming over for a snuggle?” Or someone to snuggle up and watch films with. Someone to wake up with. Some people think it’s bad to want someone this badly but the thing is, it isn’t about just having a girlfriend. As I look at what I took for granted, I see it was all about true companionship and understanding. Your eccentricities did not matter, in fact they were loved. Yes the jokes you made fell on deaf ears, but there was always someone next to you who laughed, and meant it, who got it. Yes your interests were strange to others, but there was always someone who took an interest in them as well. There was even a time when this someone asked me to talk them through the WHOLE 250 year story of the HALO universe. She loved my interests because I loved them.
They may have been the only one who not only understood my quirky nature, but loved it. Now I know some of you followers love it as well, but you’re all scattered across the globe, mostly America, and it makes me think I’ll only find a true companion over the Atlantic [maybe one of you eh ;)], how many years may it be until I get that privilege? Worse still, no one I know personally (and I mean see day to day) can understand how I feel for they are… Normal, or ‘random’ at the most. Not eccentric. Not constantly misunderstood…
My days are filled with thoughts of trying to get money, trying to get a job, and hoping, against hope that someone will see me across the bar, in my Nirvana T-shirt, my lame little black and white trilby and my loose fitting jeans and think, “He’s interesting. He wears what he’s comfortable in, he likes unorthodox music and he’s just there, happy with himself. I want to know him…” I just wish someone would take the time to go beyond their first impressions… I know first impressions are a lot, but I’m not going to go through trying to look the partof a single and suave University student when I’m not. You know who I am? I’m me. Take it or leave it. Some may say it’s a bad attitude, but I think to stick to your guns, to be who you want to be and to not put on airs or pretend for people, shows true conviction and confidence. I spent 3 years trying to be better than who I was when all the while, I was the best I could be for myself and that’s all that mattered…
An anon asked me once to list 3 fears. I only have one. To be alone. I have friends, family and I don’t mean it in that sense if the word… I mean, to be without one or even several people whotrulyunderstand you, be it in a romantic sense or even platonic. I sit with a crowd, itching to make a Star Wars joke, but I know it will be responded to with silence and confused looks… I wish to have that one person whogotthe joke, who listened to my passions… Who I walked around town with for hours just talking and not worrying if I said the wrong thing, not scared of embarrassing myself with her. Just being me. I don’t have that, and I’m lonely. A lot of the time. And that… That is what scares me. That’s my fear. To be alone. And I live it. Everyday.
Don’t get me wrong though, I wouldn’t take back anything that has happened in the past year because I needed it to finally let that little 15 year old Star Wars nerd out of a 3 year solitary confinement. But, the revelation of discovering who I really am comes at a price. That no woman my ever truly understand me. Not in England anyway… Or at least one would, if she figured out she isn’t that vodka swigging, dubstep worshiping lout her friends want her to be…
But then again. She’s blond and… I like red heads haha…
I’m happy being who I am. I really, really am. But I’m not happy being alone. I know I’ve got some bad karma on my shoulder for the last year, but, I don’t want to be alone. Waking up alone. Watching movies alone. Playing video games alone. It’s not what I had planned when I rediscovered myself…
C’est la vie… That’s what they say right?
One day I’ll find that girl, that companion… And here’s hoping it’s Amanda Seyfried… If it is, I’ll shit myself! Haha!
I once was lost but now I’m found,
was blind but now I see you…
Metal heart you’re not hiding.
Metal heart you’re not worth a thing.
(Source: Spotify)
