No reply yet =/ haha I’ve probably scared the hell out of her! Haha!

It be like hearing from a ghost wouldn’t it. A year is a long time to go without talking to someone.

I’ll give it a week. Message her again seeing if she wants to bury the hatchet and be friends and if I get no reply well then, I’ll just block her again. Not out of spite or anger just because it might be the best for her.

I’m happy for her and I’m happy she found someone else and if me staying a ghost would make her happy then that’s for the best.

Anyway Edinburgh. I’m glad to be back but under these circumstances… Ugh. Grandad looks ok but I can tell it’s taking all of his strength to keep it together… It’s my first funeral. I’m not sure what to do or say… I’m a little bit worried but I just need to keep it together for grandad. But honestly I can’t wait to get back to Bristol and maybe come back under different circumstances =/

5.19.2013 |2 notes | Comments
closure, personal,

[Not the best picture but meh]

Dwayne T. Charles-Preboye

Non-professional Blogger, Creative writer, filmmaker & Media Studies Graduate.

5.17.2013 |2 notes | Comments
Me, Personal, meh,

The Redhead, The Blonde and The Ugly Monster

What’s it you say on the internet when you have a revelation ‘That Feel’ is it? Well, that feel when you realise you let a silly little blonde girl destroy your life and chances with a fiery independent redhead woman who makes you feel more human every day you converse with her…

Lottie, she’s just a girl, and even though I haven’t seen her for the best part of a year, chances are, she’s still just a little girl doing whatever it takes to be accepted, probably gone off with the first guy who gave her positive attention. It’s not a criticism, just an observation of someone who is as lost as I am, I mean she went out with me! I’m a little shti, a great skinny lanky ugly shit. She was only with me because I made her feel good about herself until better looking boys did that… What a waste of three years. I wish that I could ask her “Was it worth it, destroying me, were those boys worth it in the end?”

But this isn’t really a rant about my ex who i do hope is well and comes to her senses despite the years she stole from me… It’s just, I sit here trying to skip a story to a friend of mine on here, talking about crushes and such and I’m explaining why it’s complicated with my crush, the redhead. Now usually I say ‘it’s cause she’s an independant woman who don’t need no man to know who she is *snaps fingers in a Z shape*’. No… it’s me, I spent two years fighting for someone so much that it not only took away parts of my spirit that would grab my crush, yell ‘…<INSERT SOMETHING ROMANTIC>’ and just kiss her, the two year fight took away my will to fight and my sight, to the point where Lottie was ALL I could see for myself. I was too blind to see she was killing me, heck, she still is. The moments where I am completely alone, I long for the comfortable and the familiar…

Not only that, but the fighting made me look like a nutcase… I mean, to be honest, I look back and I think I wouldn’t have done it differently. I showed passion, I showed love, I showed that I was human… I kinda liked him, he had some fight in him, even though he was fighting for the wrong person, be it for the right reasons. A lost fight. Fuck. In those two years I could have met the redhead maybe a year earlier, I could have been more assertive, more of a man that what I am now; a bumbling idiot boy, like a ‘geek’ in a old 20s disney cartoon, dropping my glasses in the ol’ fishin’ hole.

And now, I have no fight left in me. When people tell me, and this happened a few weeks ago, GO FOR IT, I… I can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered with being disappointed, with having someone say no, to having deep feelings unreciprocated Heck, I’m not even bothered enough to admit anything more than a crush. It’s not that my feelings for her aren’t strong, fuck, I think the world of her, she’s not only a brilliant example of a woman, but of a human being, and I KNOW that if more people were like her, the world would be beautiful the sun would shine everyday and everyone would have a smile on their face. And cheese would be really expensive due to high demand and popularity.

She’s majestically beautiful, and so smart it intimidates me, generous with her time, money and spirit and makes me look like the devil [which isn’t a bad thing. If rock music taught anything, it’s that Hell is COOOL!]. She has this hair that… Well, because of Jack White (if you ask I’ll tell) I’ve been in love with anything redheaded since I was 13. She is crazy, and I don’t mean boil my rabbit crazy (I’m curious to see how many people ACTUALLY KNOW where that reference comes from) but just quirky crazy, like the lead female role in a Wes Anderson film. She has a smile that breaks through every fucking wall and shield I put up, and a laugh, such a beautiful laugh that kills the last of my defences till it’s just me, raw and real… I never let anyone see that side of me, not face to face anyway… She reminds me of the most brilliant times in my life, back in Edinburgh when I’d go to the chippy with Lewis, or in Queensferry when I’d sit by the pier with Emika or just go shopping in Princess Street with mum. She reminds me of when I was innocent.

A few years ago I went back to Edinburgh on a trip with the University, a trip the redhead attended and walking around my home with her, a place I hadn’t gone back to sinceI went with Lottie because the memoires of her had ‘tainted’ my home, well having the redhead there, it did something. I didn’t just replace memories of Lottie with the redhead, that’s not really productive, but just having her there made me RECLAIM my home… Edinburgh is my home again, I owe the redhead for that, but I’ve never told her…

She makes me feel free, like I’m not a monster like I’m photogenic, appreciated, wanted and important. She makes me feel human. No one has ever made me feel that way, not fully… But I’m so tired. So tired of everything. I know nothing will happen because she’s seen me at my worst, when Lottie had her thumb pressed right on my skull, crushing me into myself, she’s seen me fall apart, she’s seen me when I was as small as a pin. How can a woman fall for you, when she’s seen how weak you can be, how weak you really are. I would never expect her to fall for me, to see me as more than a friend when she’s seen how frail I am… Even though I feel like I’m stronger because of what’s happened with Lottie, I feel like thats only because she knows that strength is a charade at best. It’s not strength, it’s fear, it’s the reason I never talk to pretty girls I don’t know, it’s the reason I barely give people eye contact when I speak to them (unless it’s a boss) it’s the reason I never go out, never socialize or lie, constantly lie through my teeth about how I am, about who I am. She sees the walls I’ve put up, and I’m pretty sure she’s scared of tearing them down, and I’m scared as well, I’m scared of what would happen, and I’m scared I’d never let her…

After Lottie, I can’t bare to feel anything more than a crush, call it cognitive psychology, but I feel that nothing good can ever come from ‘love’. It’s a fools game, and I’m not a fool, I’m an ugly monster, and ugly monsters have no business playing that game. Or maybe these are all excuses I tell myself just so I never have to make something happen asas my h housemate puts it. ‘If nothing is gonna happen, then make something happen. Help her see that you’d be good for eachother’. Haha, it’s funny, from the people who know us both and know how I feel, I get that opinion over and over, and I don’t deny it, we would… But there’s just something about me that is just trouble maybe it’s the emotional instability the major depression disorder the social anxiety, my face (probably, I know one her ‘exes’ and he makes me look… Well like me! Haha!), or maybe it’s because I’m a coward, a man who’d rather blog his feelings rather than tell them is no man at all.

But you know, I think I’ve done my time with ‘love & affection . I had 3 years of it and what did it lead to? Well take a good look. I’m a psychological mess. I’m damaged goods, fuck, I’M BROKEN. Thats what I am now, permanently broken. Whether its a case of Lottie, the redhead, or any other girl ever, I will never ever be good enough for them. never again. I’m scared, and the scar is ugly, it still bleeds from time to time and I can’t stitch it up or hide it. It’s always there and the redhead sees it… It’s the look on my face when she walks away, it’s the what ifs that go through my brain whenever we talk and it’s the fear that I feel whenever I think about the rest of my life alone.

I’m done with love, I’m done with intimacy, I’m done with human kindness, and I’m certainly done with the idea that any woman that I fall for, and I mean really deeply fall for, could ever actually feel the same way. It’s not something for ugly monsters to think about. I’ll just get a dog, live in my nice expensive apartment, thousands of miles away from england with all of my nice expensive things and, surrounded by my failures, trying to run away from the memories of Lottie Moran and living an empty life, always thinking, “Remember that redhead? What if…”

God, kill me. Kill me now. I’ve had enough of being a monster.

4.18.2013 |2 notes | Comments
Love, Crushes, lost love, ugly, monster, depression, personal, unrequited, the redhead,

Honest opinions. Anon or not…

1.15.2013 |5 notes | Comments
me, am i really ugly, personal, ugly,

Y’know, I’m not gonna lie, I liked the feeling of being ‘in love’ [with someone other than the people who serve me alcohol and tobacco]

Is that weird? I mean, well okay, the last and only time I’ve ever been in love I got FUCKED-OVER. Like W-W-III F’d in the A but essentially it was nice. The warm feeling of, well, I can’t describe it, who can? It’s LOVE!

I think back to my little brief ‘thing’ with Rachel. There was potential there for us to love each other but I guess we didn’t match up, which is a shame because she is a really, really great girl [and the sex was AMAZING!!!!!] but we make better friends than couple =/.

After her, who is there? I mean, REALLY, potentially ’Let’s get a place after uni together.’ Nope. As I REALISTICALLY look at my life, I see that I will not find love till AT LEAST 2018, maybe 2017 if I’m lucky. I mean, I have a BIG, BUSY and STRESSFUL career ahead of me. Plus, I mean, women have STANDARDS, okay so I’m not BAD looking, but I’m not really anything else.

I’m not talented, not in the traditional sense, I’m not funny, I’m not really smart or intelligent. I have next to NO charisma, I’m really just not great company for long periods of time, conversation with me kinda comes to a close after about 15 minutes, I mean… Ugh. I’m not BOYFRIEND MATERIAL [As much as Rachel disagrees with me; “No, you’re boyfriend material Anyone would be lucky to have you!” “Well if I am Rach, Why didn’t you want to go out with me proper eh?” “Uuuuuuuuuuuuum” haha].

I dunno, as I really think about the direction my life will take in 5 months time once I graduate university, I have to think about, well everything. Things that have gone wrong in the past, things that might go wrong and things that will go wrong. By the time I have my life PROPERLY SORTED OUT in about 3/ 4 years, the perfect girl for me would have probably been and gone without me noticing, Amanda Seyfried will have gotten married and every redhead might have died out from some sort of weird cultish genocide [I’ve given this a lot of thought]. What will become of me!?!?!

Ultimately my CORE dream hasn’t changed Yeah my main dream is to write and direct films that change cinema forever, but really, I want to get married to someone I love, have lots of kids with them and then embarrass them in their teenage years by acting like a horny school boy with their mum when she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner. It’s a stupid little dream, I know, but it’s mine.

I want to find love. But then again, who doesn’t?

1.8.2013 |2 notes | Comments
love, dreams, personal, future,

Cock block me and the girl of my dreams? Nah, just get the last sausage roll at the bakers. I’ll kill your parents.

Me - I’m a serious C*NT.

11.1.2012 |3 notes | Comments
quote, cock block, sausage roll, me, personal,

I’m bored. Let’s do a survey.

This is majorly personal, you ready?
Nope.

Who were the last two girls you texted?
My mates Charlie and Rachel.

Do they mean anything to you?
Charlie’s a good friend and Rachel is also a good and friend and I have a little crush on her =/

Do you remember the last boy you texted?
My housemate Tom

What was it about?
Drunkenly asking him if he was in the house.

What did you do last night?
Watched a horror film with my housemate Dan.

Look in your call log, who was your last missed call?
A random number. Probably asking me if I want PPI or a bag of chips or something.

Does anything on your body hurt right now?
My feet. Wearing in new shoes.

Are you racist?
No. But I say racist things. Ooops…

Are you self conscious?
Oh GOD yes.

Has anyone told you they loved you today?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! No one’s said that to me in a loooooooong time. I’m a very ugly person.

What are you wearing this very second?
Jeans, a shirt and an Alice Cooper T-shirt.

In the last 6 months can you say you truly cared about someone?
Yes… Unfortunately for me. When I care about someone I usually get shit on.

Could you handle living together with the last person who texted you?
Charlie? Oh yeah, it would be fucking fun as shit! XD

Ever been called babe/baby?
Yeah… I scowled at her for it and it was never said again.

Say you were given an alcohol test right now, would you pass?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH! NOPE!

Last song you heard?
I’ve Been Loving You Too Long (to Stop Now) - Cat Power

Last long car ride?
From Wiltshire to Trowbridge I suppose.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
Probably never. No seriously. Probably never. No seriously. It’s… Ugh… It’s complicated . UGGGGH!

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
I’ve changed over the past few weeks.

Did you see your bestfriend today?
No. =[

Are you in a relationship right now?
AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Would you care if you saw a person you like, kissing someone else?
I’d probably stab myself in the leg with a fork so I wouldn’t have to think about it. So yeah, I’d probably be a bit peeved.

Do you like someone?
Can’t you tell?

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?
No.

Do you wear Eyeliner?
Depends on the outfit I’m wearing. And on whether or not I remembered to put on my penis

Is something bothering you?
Something is ALWAYS bothering me.

When was the last time you smiled?
Today. PROPERLY and TRULY, I’d say last week…

How late did you stay up last night and why?
3 am. I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts.

Do you think dances (prom, homecoming,etc) are fun or lame?
Lame.

Do you wear pants or skirts more often?
IT’S CALLED A KILT!!!

If you wear skirts, are you more likely to wear leggings, or go bare?
IT’S CALLED A… *sigh* I go bare. ALL THE WAY bare.

Are you online 24/7?
Yeah.

Do you like painting?
Yes, but I haven’t done in YEARS.

Are you addicted to texting?
God no. How can you be addicted to texting?

Do you have a favorite aunt or uncle?
Not really. They’re all pretty awesome.

Are you wearing anything borrowed from a friend?
Nope, but the Alice Cooper T-shirt was my mum’s from the 80’s.

What would happen if you found out you were being cheated on right now?
I’m single so I don’t need to answer this.

Are you an outgoing person, or are you more reserved?
Depends on the situation, the people, how much money I have and what I’ll get out of it.

Did you do anything exciting today?
Drink. Make chocolate pretzels. Talk to my crush. Well that was exciting at first but then, then I ran out of things to say so then I smoked and hoped she’d be offline by the time I got back…

Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital?
Yep.

Are you currently trying to get over someone?
Yep. I didn’t even get under them!

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
MILK.

Is there anyone that text messages you and you smile instantly?
Yeah. Rachel =].

Do you follow your head or your heart?
My heart. My heart’s a douchbag.

Do you believe in the saying “what goes around comes around?”
Oh yes. I’m hoping my ex will get ran over any day now.

If you are up after 3 am, what are you most likely doing?
Watching youtube videos.

Whose hoodie or jacket did you wear last that wasn’t yours?
I dunno. I picked it up by accident and I didn’t realise it wasn’t mine till I put my hands in the pockets.

Someone tells you that you’re beautiful. What do you say?
“Shut up!”

Do you usually listen to your friends when they say a boy or girl is bad for you?
No. But then again, I usually don’t do anything about said girl.

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your brother?
“Why the fuck you telling me?!?”

Are you texting the last female/male you cuddled with?
No.

Are you happier now than you were two months ago?
Not happier. But I am ‘better’.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be?
I’d probably smile awkwardly at her and make her a cup of tea.

Do you spend more time on tumblr or facebook?
tumblr.

Do you ever get paranoid when someone is reading your text messages?
I should. I don’t

When was the last time you cried really hard?
Friday night.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
YES PLEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!

Do any of your exes miss you?
I don’t know and I don’t give a fuck.

What are you currently hearing right now?
Cat Power

Are all of your friends in relationships?
Most are yes…

You got an essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?
Type. All my essays are required to be typed.

What did you do today?
Watch the Rams get FUCKED by the Patriots. Ate £35 worth of Pizza Hut. Drank a glass of milk. Played guitar. Talked to crush then immediately punched myself in the groin for saying stupid things to her. I’m such a dick.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?
Mostly.

Do you get good morning texts from anyone?
HAHAHA Oh fuck no!

Which is better: New Years EVE or New Years day?
Neither. I spent the last one ALONE so I don’t give two fucks! About them.

Can you honestly say things are running smooth for you?
Hell. No.

Do either of your parents have tattoos?
Nope.

Are you excited for next year?
Fuck off.

Does your hair have layers?
No. I don’t think so…

Was your last text message from a girl or boy?
Girl.

When was the last time you had a Gatorade?
Never I think aha!

Do you tend to hold grudges?
Oh yes. I have over 80 people blocked on facebook and a further 90 on a kill list.

What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Laying on my sofa groaning.

Your phone is ringing. It’s your ex. What do you say?
“Why are you doing this Lottie?”

If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?
Well I don’t fucking have one. And I smoke pot on occasion, so as long as this imaginary girlfriend shared, i wouldn’t care at all.

What color is your underwear?
Black.

What if your boyfriend/ girlfriend went through your cellphone?
I’m single. Hypothetically, I wouldn’t care.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I HIGHLY doubt it. One girl isn’t interested in me AT ALL and another JUST got out of a two year relationship… Plus I’m an ugly cunt so…

When you were little, did you think they’re were monsters under your bed?
No. I thought/ knew I was [and still am] the monster >=]

Do you own any underwear from American Eagle or Aerie?
Nope.

Did you kiss anyone today?
<Endless maniacal laughter >

What are you doing for your next birthday?
Probably working or going to America.

When was the last time you completely broke down?
A few days ago actually. I’m really emotional when I’m lonely.

How many TRUE friends do you have that you can tell anything to?
6…

Are you dating the last person you held hands with?
I’M NOT FUCKING DATING ANYONE. I haven’t held hands with someone in a year…

Favorite color out of these three..yellow, red, blue?
RED.

Miss anyone right now?
Yes… She’s not back for a whole week =’[

Who has hurt you the most?
Lottie Moran.

When’s the last time you called your ex?
I don’t remember. I don’t care to.

What if the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted?
I’d call her a liar and walk away.

Do you agree with forgive and forget?
I try to. I haven’t done so however.

Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?:
Ugh. Yes…

Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?:
Yes…

Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?:
<The Laughter continues>

Is there that one girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?:
NO.

Is there anything in your room that reminds you of the past memories?:
I have very little memories left.

Are you on good or bad terms with the last person you kissed?:
Bad.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J, if so who?:
No.

What were you doing at eight am this morning?:
Trying to sleep.

Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?:
Yeah.

Were you single on Valentine’s Day?:
FUCK OFF WITH THESE OBVIOUS QUESTIONS [I’ve deleted a few that cut too deep]

How’s your hair looking?:
Short.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?:
HAHAH. If they are, it’s ain’t anything good!

Who was the last person you took a picture with?:
I can’t remember.

Where were you at 2pm yesterday?:
At the bus stop.

Who knows a secret about you that no one else does?:
I don’t know.

Can you go a day without music?:
God No.

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile?:
Rachel and my [other] crush. But the latter usually makes me feel uneasy. It’s kinda a sign that I like her more than Rachel. My instant reaction to strong feelings is to hate them and then hate myself intensely….

Are you a morning person or a night person?:
Night.

Are you content with the way things are going?:
Fuck. No.

Ever had a friend steal from you?:
Don’t think so haha.

Ever kissed anyone that smokes cigarettes?:
Yep.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?:
3/4. Maybe 5 if I really need it.

Do you stutter when you get nervous?:
Yes.

Do you have any shirts from vacation / tourist locations?
Yes.

Which would you prefer: a homemade gift, or a store-bought one?
Either. It’s the thought.

Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
Yeah :3 I’m not a complete ass hole.

When was the last time you were “under the influence”?
Friday.

Do you know anyone who has never read the HP books? Who?
Yes. Everyone. Except me.

Have you ever had a relationship last for a year or longer?
Yes. 3 years, 1 month and 1 day. Everyday of that was a fucking lie!

Has anyone made you cry in the last 14 days?
No. Just feelings.

What do you think your significant other/crush likes the most about you?
I think she admires how genuine I am. But that’s also my most major failing and might be a trun off for her also. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m honest and I don’t give a fuck about it and I don’t care who sees it either.

The last argument you had - who was it with, and what was it about?
I don’t know. I don’t remember. I don’t care to.

Do you know anyone named Chris? Tell me about him.
Christopher. He’s cool. He’s Belgian. He didn’t like Skyfall though so I’m going to kill him.

Which word are you most likely to use when greeting someone - ‘hello’, ‘hi’, or ‘hey’?
Hey.

Name someone with blue eyes.
P.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
Early start. Put on a tie, go to the library, finish my James Bond essay then spend the rest of the day in the pub. Go home. Cry.

What’s the closest item to you, that matches the colour of your eyes?
My Phone.

How many people do you know that have green eyes?
No one. I don’t think anyway.

Think back to 4 months ago. were you happier then, or are you happier now? Why?
I don’t remember. Because I drink a lot. Mostly to forget.

Have your parents ever told you stories about the day you were born?
No actually. Never. I don’t really care and I’m not too happy I was born to begin with.

What is something that could make your day better than it is, or just make you feel happier in general?
Getting a good night text from Rachel. Or, if we really want to push the boat out, my crush at my door with an anorak and the Princess Leia gold bikini underneath would go amiss.

If you could move somewhere else would you?
Yes.

Have you ever made anyone laugh when they were crying?
Yes.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
Whatever heart I have left I keep hold of it and I will let NO ONE have it. The majority of what was my heart is either burnt or rotting in a bin bag somewhere in Liverpool/ Devizes.

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
I’m in the U.K. but if we were talking Scotland/ England distance, probably.

The last person you texted - Is the person a he or a she? What’s his/hers name?
She. Charlie.

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
Story of my life.

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
Yeah.

Where is the last person you texted at this moment? What do you think he/she will be doing?
Probably in bed. She’d rather drunk haha!

How long have you been using Tumblr?
2 years.

Has the last person you texted ever seen you cry?
Yeah =/.

How old were you when you had your first alcoholic drink?
8. Scottish culture.

What was the last pill you took?
Fluoxetine.

Do you like to read?
Not really, no.

Do you carry around purses?
If I don’t carry around my penis.

What shirt are you wearing today?
A blue, short sleeved one.

When was the last time you went to an amusement park?
Years and years ago.

Who did you last make food for?
ME!

What did you do last weekend?
Nothing. Wallowed in my own despair.

Name one person you absolutely cannot stand.
Cory. He’s okay. I just hate him a little bit. Reasons.

What was the best thing to happen to you today?
HA!

Does it snow where you live?
I guess…

Does your birthday come before April Fool’s Day?
No.

Do you wear a watch regularly?
No.

Have you had any alcohol in the past 24 hours?
Yep!

Are there any candles in the room you are in?
Yep.

Do you believe in luck?
For other people yes.

Who was the last person to hug you?
My crush… It was a good hug… The best I’ve ever received FROM ANYONE to be honest… And Now I wish I was dead.

Have you ever gotten bitten or your hair pulled while fooling around?
I miss those times.

Have you ever kissed someone with braces?
I think so. I dunno…

When’s the last time you cried?
Friday. Wasn’t this one of the questions before?

How did you get your last bruise?
Punching walls.

Are your lips chapped?
Nope.

What’s your favorite season?
Winter.

Has it snowed recently?
No.

What are you listening to?
Silver Stallion - Cat Power.

Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up?
I’ve tried to several times.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
…

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life?
Yes.

Wearing any jewelry?
No.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
Yeah.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
Oh God no! I was pushing it at one before she left me!

Is a best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or ex pissing you off at the moment?
No.

Are you in a good mood right now?
Fuck no.

Where are you currently?
My living room

Do you believe in true love?
Not anymore. Just in a lot of grief and bull shit.

What made you sad today?
Things.

Is your phone close to you?
Yes.

What is bothering you right now?
Things.

What was your last phone conversation about?
My new job.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
Not soon no.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
I swear I answered this before. Laying on my sofa groaning.

Is anyone interested in you right now?
Again, I’ve answered this. Probably not. Most definitely not.

Do you believe that you can change for someone?
Sometimes. Depends on the someone.

Do you get along with girls?
Yes…

Who did you last see in person?
My house mate Josh.

Do you like surprises?
Yes.

Do you ever keep arguing when you know you’re wrong?
Oh yeah!

Did you hug anyone today?
No…

Are you good at giving directions?
HAHA. Turn left for 180 degrees!

Rent a movie or go to the movies?
Go to Pirate Bay.

Do you smile at strangers?
No…

What woke you up this morning?
Bad Dreams.

What were you doing at 9:00 pm last night?
Watching a horror film.

Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with?
I don’t know.

The phone rings, what do you say?
FECK OFF YA EDGIT!!!!!

10.29.2012 |0 notes | Comments
survey, bored, personal, lonely,

There’s a lot of things I regret but being myself and doing whatever the fuck I want? I’ll never regret that.

10.7.2012 |1 note | Comments
me, personal, be yourself, regrets,

I wrote this at work. It has no title. I was in a bad mood. The mood hasn’t past but it has quietened.

You will find seldom happiness without the social standing of a face that one desires and the confidence of cocks.

And in life you face disaster, when you’re lied to and close up faster that the boy you once knew or a unused vagina. Now the dawn will never come.

Fuck the rats who desert you and the others who ignore you, let’s burn London/ Liverpool/ Devizes/ Edinburgh/ the world to the ground and we will live forever as a monument of our sins.

And may the lord keep you and in the darkness he will keep you because you will know respect my boy, you putrid, pathetic, disgusting, ugly little shit.

You fucking piece of shit.

Where the past will go by on an unhappy birthday where the lairs you once worshipped keep their gold and your prayers while you go poor and hungry with priceless wooden beads in your pocket.

Let them eat cake. Let them suck cock. Your dick will soon fall off and you will have no taste for sweet things any more.

My boy. You fucking piece of shit. You putrid, pathetic, disgusting, ugly little shit. My boy. Where did you go wrong?

9.27.2012 |0 notes | Comments
poetry, poem, personal, me,

I will never get over this.

The question or my answer.

9.20.2012 |0 notes | Comments
anon question, anon, me, personal, funny,

I’d rather do nothing about her than try. Defeatist I know but I’ve been hurt too much to wanna risk being hurt again.

Me - On ‘things’.

9.20.2012 |4 notes | Comments
Me, personal, crushes, relationships,

Life, for the most part is fucking difficult, not worth doing and most of all it hurts…

But, if you can not mind that it hurts, the rest you can deal with.

9.14.2012 |3 notes | Comments
personal, life, depression, pain,

Because I ask you guys to send me pictures of yourself with shoes on your heads, it’s only fair I do the same.

This is me.

Shoe on head.

9.9.2012 |3 notes | Comments
me, personal, shoe on head,

You can break a man’s spirit but you cannot stop his capacity to hate and he will hate for the rest of his life until everything in front of him is nothing but venom!

Me ~ Something I’m working on.

8.30.2012 |0 notes | Comments
quote, hate, me, personal,

Me.

Well… My name’s Dwayne Preboye. Born and bred in Edinburgh but have lived in England since I was 15. I had a chance to go back to Scotland for uni but I stayed here for a woman I fell in love with, Lottie Moran.

My favourite film is ‘Lost in Translation’. It says a lot about love and I wish I had known it sooner. I don’t have a favourite song, just a song that says a lot about me but I don’t listen to it any more - Videotape by Radiohead. I listened to it on the night of February 20th 2008.

I’m simple, maybe too simple for some peoples tastes. I’m not a great philosopher and don’t take to reading Frederic Nitchze, I’m not very political and really will avoid all conversations about it. I’m not very good looking, intelligent or charming. Some have said I’m ugly, others have said “You’re not ‘unatractive’.” Which is just as bad.

I’m damaged goods, since 13 by medical technicality. I’ve had major depression since then. I had one real and true friend in England [and my 3rd friend in my whole life] and I made that friend on a grey and rainy afternoon of October 25th 2007. 4 months later we started dating. A few months later I fell in love with her. According to her she had loved me the moment she saw me.

I lost her 1 year 4 months and 22 days ago. I have been broken ever since.

If I could do one thing in the world it would be to become a villain, much like Christopher Nolan’s ‘Joker’ and just watch the world burn. If I could do something else other than that it would be maybe become a Dark Knight of sorts and fight for the love others will share, the love Lottie took away and insisted I didn’t deserve. I would make sure everyone would get a chance to love and be loved something that I may never have again. Something Lottie made sure of…

The last thing to do before I would die, tell her that I love her and tell the actress Amanda Seyfried that she’s awesome [But as much as I fancy her, she’s no Lottie Moran].

A dream? I had a dream once to be a husband and a father, the odds of that coming true have gone and been taken away from me, either by my love for someone who destroyed me or by the fact that no woman could love a broken man… So now I don’t dream any more, I just work towards doing something ‘good’, maybe making up for my mistakes by teaching people how not to make the same ones I did. I like to make films, so logically I want to teach people via writing and directing films.

That’s me. Broken by the woman I love. Lives without anything to live or hope for. Doesn’t ask for much because I don’t expect it. In love and broken by it.

8.12.2012 |1 note | Comments
Me, personal, biography, unrequited love, Dwwayne preboye, Lottie Moran, Love,

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