Heavy Breathing

I have no word to describe you. No single word.

No expression to explain what you bring or what you allow me to experience.

No measurable amount of anxiety, no kept number of empty cigarette boxes.

Just a feeling. An itch. A dream maybe? An apology for my foolishness, like a child who’s spilt milk all over a new wooden floor.

I am a child when I dream of you.

In my dreams I have colour, I have laughter and I am not tired and not weak. I have not seen war, I have never seen my own blood and I have never wept. In my dreams I am strong and I can lift you above my head, protect you from what you fear and shelter you from rain, from hail and from pain.

In my dreams you are there, as you are and as I met you and as I have always known you. Never knowing fear or what he smells like breathing on your face, never knowing the failure of a challenge, never knowing the complexities of my mind, of the broken mind. The broken. In my dreams you are you and I am better.

And I’m half awake, I’m sitting with my friends and my skin is smooth. I;m half awake and I don’t need a smoke. I’m half awake and I’m alive and I’m laughing.

I’m half awake and I feel your arms around me, don’t you dare wake up; don’t you dare open your eyes. I’m half awake and my head turns. I’m half awake and I kiss you. Don’t you dare wake up. And I can’t hear anyone, I can not even hear your lips caress my own. I just hear my breathing, heavy, fast. I can’t keep up.

Don’t you dare wake up.

I have a word for you, for everything you are and everything you bring. For every emotion I feel when I see you, when I hear you, when I open my eyes and I’m not with you. I have a word for every daydream I have, every slip into the sub-conscience, every thought of you.

…
In many ways this is so much better than the last time, than everything that was and everything that it did to me. But in ways it is so much worse. 

I’m so pathetic. I’m a monster.

I had another dream about her. This one was so stupid.

Her cousin [apparently] was attacked by a bear… Yep, a bear in suburban England. So I go out to try and find and kill the bear…

I’m such a fucking idiot.

I have no idea how people can describe ‘Love’ as the best feeling in the world.

For me, right now, it’s tearing me up inside, because all love leads to is guilt, shame and self hate.

Why does she have to be so perfect? Why do I have to be so fucking messed up? And I realise that my feelings for her have been festering for 2-years and now they all come out, black, venomous and useless.

I’m so useless. I need to run away, I need to cry. I need to disappear for a very, very long time.

I need to just stop.

Here we go again.

I feel so ashamed of myself. I’m such a fool.

There is nothing good, beautiful or positive about what I feel or who I am.

It’s shameful, weak and pathetic.

The best/ worst dream I’ve had so far:

One The Redheads many, many talents is that she can sing. She has a voice on her that makes me feel the same way I feel after a nice cup of tea; a nice cup of tea after a long, tiring day; and she’s not shy about singing. Several times already she has gotten up on stage and sung for the campus while I just stare in awe. A few days ago The Smiths song Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want was stuck in my head, not because of the film I had just watched that it appeared in, but because of the lyrics that resonated with every bone in my body. Lord knows it will be the first time. It hurts so much to have that song in my head, playing over and over again, because it says everything for me, it begs God for me just to be happy.

Now I’m trying to keep hold of my emotions, I’m trying to see that there are a wealth of things other that ‘love’ that can make me happy, but right now I can’t list one, I can’t list a single thing. All I can tell you is about a dream I just had, a dream that causes me to wake up at 6 a.m. with a knot in my stomach, with a pain in my head and with tears in my eyes.

I’m on some sort of taxi bus, a nice Polish man is driving my sister, a few school kids and I to a school, even though I’m in a high school uniform the school he takes us to is my university campus, it’s St Matt’s and we’re late! We run from the bus stop to some sort of hall, half resembling a place I’ve never been, half resembling my Student Union bar. I quickly get her off to her class line and try to find mines. I fail to find my class line but it doesn’t matter, it’s near the end of term, half the year not shown up anyway…

I see my friends hanging with their friends, people I don’t really talk to, I only really hang out with one. They all live with The redhead you see, but one of them in paticular, the starberry blond Welsh one, I adore him and love his company so I run over to him and I’m grated with an arm around me. I pretend to look deep in thought, maybe someone will want to talk to me. No one does… So, I get deep in thought. Then I see her, The Redhead. Rather than get into meaningless conversation I just leave, distance myself from her, I don’t need this right now. Not now. 

For some reason my shoes are off so i run to them, or rather wobble as the floors are slippery clean and I’m in cotton socks, and bend over to put them on. All of a sudden I hear music and the ‘Bump bump’ of a microphone being turned on. There, mic in hand, casually sitting on a sofa is The Redhead, the music The Smiths and her eyes on me. Or at least for half a second. She smiles at her friends as she sings the verse, making jokes between the lines and laughing with them. Then when it comes to “Please, please, please, let me get what I want” I’m stunned as her eyes meet mine and I can’t move a muscle, paralysed and staring into those deep blue eyes.

Then I wake up.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I don’t want to feel this any more.

It’s getting more and more obvious that nothing will come of this.

She doesn’t and will never feel the same way.

SO why in the fuck am I wasting my fucking time, energy and spirit feeling like this!!?!? Dreaming like this?!?! FUCK.

I have royally fucked up this time.

I’m such a fucking tool. I hate me, I hate every bit of me, every fucking useless drop of blood in my body, every muscle, every fucking nerve because all I am good for is wasting time and right now I’m wasting my time falling for an angel when I’m nothing but a useless piece of shit with shit dreams and shit for a soul.

Fuck. I’m so fucking useless.

I

Not sure how to handle my feelings right now. All I’ve done the past week is think about them so…

I’ve renewed my Xbox live, put some pizza, chicken wings and mozzarella sticks in the over and I’m go absolutely numb for a few hours.

This kinda turned into a rant. My bad.

I’m trying to write a song about love, or what could be love or what I’m trying so hard to keep from turning into love but, with so many mixed emotions I can’t get anything out.

Fuck. Nothing’s inspiring me lyrically. I got plenty of chords but I’m starting to think that all the I time spent learning them was for nothing if I can’t come up with words…

All I’ve came up with so far is…

… 

That’s it. THAT’S IT. NOTHING. EVERY FUCKING WORD I WRITE IS JUST SHIT!

The story I wrote, that was ‘loosely’ [and I use the word ‘loosely’ loosely] about her did her justice, well, just about. There are still a thousand things that I have never expressed  a thousand tiny little hopeful emotions that she makes me feel and also allows me to feel by my own accord. And I want to write something that expresses that, not just someone who I adore above all else, xbox, cheese, even AMANDA SEYFRIED (sorry hunni, but your time is running out), but someone who is one of my closest friends, because I can tell her anything without fear and she teaches me so much about how to live, how to feel and how to just breath without feeling suffocated by the world around me.

But nothing, nothing I write does her any justice. And then I think “Why write? Why do anything? Will it make such a difference? Will she swoon? Will she all of a sudden realise all of the ‘worth’ that I pretend to have? Will she feel the same way just enough to take a chance on me?”

No. She won’t. One of the greatest things I admire about her is that she’s strong, she is very, very strong and independant and and although she can be flattered and made shy by acts of affection and even love, she is not the kind of woman who allows her heart to be ‘won over’ by such. It’s the kind of strength I want, I hate that some women will fall over for any man who gives them the slightest bit of attention, I hated (and still do) HATE that about Lottie Moran who I assume the worse has come to because of that disgusting weakness. And I hated that about myself (in terms of female attention that is, but male attention is very welcome haha). I built up so many walls in this past year that when a girl complimented me face to face (and this is a true story) my immediate reaction was “Fuck off!” Seriously, that’s how defensive and defiant I became to any sort of affection or compliments.

But it could never work when The Redhead gave me any compliment, I would walk a hundred miles for that girl just to see her smile and maybe get a cheeky wink from her… Seriously. I would walk on coal for maybe a few minutes (I adore her but I’m not fucking crazy) just to get a pat on the back from her. Something about her not only destroys all the defenses I’ve put up but regresses me to a child, maybe at most a young teen who begs for attention, for love and for affection from one woman. Her. The Redhead.

This is a part of that, I have to admit, I despise! I hate! With every essence of my being, to be made nothing but a child at the whims of a woman. Pathetic. Two years of almost killing myself over Lottie and I have learnt NOTHING! But then again… She’s worth it. Then again, she deserves someone who would do that for her, she deserves someone to love her, even if that love is never returned, and I am well versed in unrequited love, maybe I am the one to give it? But not to get her love in return, not to receive compliments or praise, no for a wink or a smile, just simply to give her peace of mind that she is loved.

Selfless love.

Ha. I never thought such a thing existed. As pathetic and weak as it sounds, it sounds good. It sounds beautiful, romantic, heart breaking yes but poetic… And she deserves it.

But I’ve already lost so much to love and I don’t want to lose again… I don’t want to wait for her, but I know if ever the opportunity came to leave the country, to leave for America and to receive my EXODUS away from this island that has brought me nothing, NOTHING but pain, despair and venomous self hate, if I ever got that chance I’ve always wanted… Saying yes, knowing what could be with, with someone I believe in my soul to be perfect for me…I don’t know if I could do it… Even though I have doubts that despite her being perfect for me, I may not be for her…

Shit. I went into this struggling for song lyrics  Now I’m trying to figure out if I should continue with my plan and leave the country as soon as I can or stay for what could be something perfect. Something that I believe I would get right.

Fuck. What a night this turned out to be…

I just looked up at the full moon, shining through my window and said.

“Don’t you fucking Judge me you cunt.”

I’m losing my mind.

Oh GOD. Thinking about her is making my stomach ache. Everything. Everything, Shit. Shit… SHIT! Fuck!

Fuck. FUCK! FUCK!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I just remembered: The redhead has a Toy Story T-shirt that says ‘Cool Story Bro’ on it.

1. How can I NOT fall in love with her?!?!? [She is the single most coolest person ON EARTH]
2. How are we still not together… I mean I know why and it’s totally cool and I respect her and in a lot of ways agree with her but… WHY!?!? WHY!?!? WHHHHHY!?!?!

Okay, I’m gonna stop listening to Bon Iver now because I’m getting emotional and hungry and those two things DON’T MIX AT ALL

When you rediscover that your crush is just as crazy as you are.

Went back on to sound cloud:

The redhead has a weird kind duo band with her friend.

I listen to one of their songs.

After 8 seconds:

Ugh, I’m so pathetic.