I think, well I know I need some closure. I need to feel ‘better’ about it all but in my heart, deep in my heart, I think it might be best if I never see her again.
I imagine sometimes a hall, a grand hall like a train station; what’s that one in New York? Grand Central? Anyway, that hall is full of people, people I’ve never met, I don’t recognize and will never formally meet. I can hear their conversations; one is on her phone and late for work; there’s a couple trying to keep up with each other as they argue down the hall, a father with his daughter on their way to a theme park, a trip they’ve been planning for weeks.
Hundreds of people with hundreds of lives that I don’t want to concern myself about; hundreds of faces telling hundreds of stories I will never know or may never want to know; hundreds of lives whizzing past me as I go on to whatever train or bus or plane that will take me to whatever future that is waiting for me. And then I see her.
Lottie Moran, for the first time in years I see her and she sees me and as we walk toward each other our eyes lock. We both remember our lives together, we both remember the love we once shared, the painful parts of the relationship, the great and beautiful parts of the relationship. We both remember each other in all our glory and our weakness and our eyes are fixed on each others, for that moment as we walk toward each other everyone disappears and it’s just us, in this huge and grand hall. Our footsteps echo and bounce off each other and as we meet in the middle, as all our memories become one entity for one solid second. We continue to walk. Our eye contact is broken and it will never be made again. We walk past each other and neither of us look back.
Lottie was the most important person in my life at one point, and still is and throughout my life and my career she always will be, but she is also my past and part of a very painful and destructive past, a past that almost killed me, a past I try and ignore everyday. Maybe I do need closure, maybe I do need to talk to her, sit down, have a Guinness or two like we used to, maybe it would be good for us, but in my heart I know that either way, if I speak to her and maybe forgive her and she forgives me, maybe even become friends or I never see her again it doesn’t matter. It will make no difference.
My life, me, I’m broken permanently nothing will fix that and all I know is where I need to be, not where I want to be.What I wanted left a long time ago. I tried being selfish for a time, going after things that I wanted. Jobs; relationships; money; pride and none of that worked out for me. All I know is where I have to be and what I HAVE to do. Lottie played a part in putting me on that road but she isn’t on the way to the end.
I miss her. I will admit it, I do, and I don’t hate her, as much as I have claimed to in the past on here, to my friends, I don’t and I never will. I will always have the tiniest flame in my heart for her but that’s because she influenced me in a major way, my writing, my film making, my path but that’s all she is now; a memory that inspired me. A ghost who haunts my dreams from time to to. A question, a thousand questions, that will never be answered.
When it comes to her, I’m fickle and no doubt in a few months I’ll be asking you all again ‘Should I try and talk to her?’ but as my mouse cursor hovers over the ‘unblock’ button and as I try and attempt to open up a box that should be opened, that should be dealt with, that can not be ignored or hidden away anymore, I just know, deep in my heart, that it truly will make no difference to who I’ve become, to how broken I am and to where I will end up in 20 years.
She’s just a ghost and I am a ghost to her. I think that maybe, it’s best that we stay that way. I’ll never find closure, I’ll never find answers and I’ll never be able to fix myself because of everything that happened but maybe, maybe that’s for the best…
No matter what happens now, you shouldn’t be afraid Because I know today has been the most perfect day I’ve ever seen.