I’ve not had a drink without alcohol in it in almost 2 months!

So, I’ve been perpetually tipsy if not drunk since then.

In honour of that, and because I’m just drinking on my own [as usual] and I’ve hidden my ex’s phone number from myself:

• If you like dubstep I’m going to kill you.
• I fucking love you mum!
• SHUT UP! This song is all about me!
• Ex girlfriend. I fucking hate you. Why did you leave me!?!?1
• Man, what if we just fucking packed our bags, took out all our cash and went to AMERICA. Let’s do that man. Just you and me man, let’s go to America!
• I fuckin’ love you man.
• Lottie, I mean ex girlfriend, I mean Bunni. I didn’t mean it. I love you, I really do. I wish you were here.
• Fucking Conservatives man. The man is fucking us in the corn hole.
• I’m superman!
• I’m BATMAN *cough hack cough* HOW DOES CHRISTIAN BALE TALK LIKE THAT!?!?!
• Hey Lottie? Sorry about those last message.
• Ugh I feel sick man.
• Ugh.
• *puke*
• Fuck you man. I love her!
• I’m sorry man. I love you.
• AMANDA SEYFRIED IS FUCKING AWESOME.
• I would marry Amanda SO HARD!
• *clicks on xbox* Watch this skill guys *dies repeatedly* AAAAH FUCK YOU ARMOUR LOCK FAGGOT! FUCK LAG! FUCKING ASS HOLE. HEY FUCK YOU KID!

…

…

…

[Roll on 1 p.m.]

• Hey Lottie, It’s me. Sorry about those texts last night. I was drunk and I just… I just miss you. I’m sorry.

You know that sounds like a good night… Just me, a bottle of whiskey and video games though…

I do miss Lottie though…

CHEERING ME UP - WRECKLESS MEDIA RADIO →

I’ve had such a horrible few days of contemplation. Realising my mistakes with one woman has fucked me beyond repair… But no matter… WRECKLESS MEDIA RADIO.

Yeah I’ll never be able to love anyone again, and yeah I’ll never admit how I really feel for my ex or ever be brave enough to fight for her… But it doesn’t mean I’m going to shoot a bunch of people at VTech like a crazy chinamin.

Episode 61: We give our views on the Vtech Shooting and we spend half of the show making fun of that douche bag Cho, Greg is MISSING, Bob Barkers Replacement, and other random chit chat.

One of the first jokes I ever learned

So there’s this wee boy walking around his house looking for something to do while his parents get the house and everything else ready for a dinner party.

At the beginning of the day his parents are having an argument and he over hears his mum call his dad a bastard and his dad call his mum a bitch.

“Mum, dad? What does bastard and bitch mean?” He asks.

“Oh!” His mother stumbles. “Um, bastard means man and bitch means woman.”

“Oh. cool, okay.” The wee boy replies and he skips away to play his Sega.

Later that day the boy walked past his dad shaving in the bathroom and again, over hears his father scream “OH WANK*!” as he cuts himself shaving.

*Wank is a British word for masturbate.

“What does wank mean dad?”

“Oh, damn, it means shaving son.” His dad nervously replies. “Oh, cool.” Says the boy and he skips along.

Then in the evening he over here’s her mum scream “FUCK!” as she cuts herself on a turkey bone while stuffing it.

“What does fuck mean mum?” The mother, who is in too much of a hurry to tell her son it’s a bad word replies “It’s a work for stuff, I’m stuffing the Turkey see?”

“Oh. Cool.” Then the door bell rings. “Can you get that sweetheart?” The mother asks as the boy opens in the door and says:

“Hello bastards and bitches. My dad’s in the bathroom having a wank and my mum’s in the kitchen fucking the kitchen. Come in, I’m going to help her fuck.”

I learned that joke when I was 8. God times.

I'm not always bitter about my ex, but when I am... [This is actually quite hilarious]

Me: Did it hurt?
Ex: What? When I fell from heaven?
Me: No. When you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
Ex: ...
Me: Now we're even...