See the thing is, when I’m with her face to face I can talk like a fucking legend, maybe to not enough to attract her to me in any romantic way, but enough to sustain a conversation that can last more than a few minutes and isn’t made up of:
Her: I like turtles
Me: KILL ALL THE BABIES. TERMINATE YOUR ‘BORTIONS!!!!! TINA TURNER ATE MY GRAPES AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!
Her: You’re silly
On-line I turn into such a fucking freak. I mean I never know what to say, I can’t see anyone’s face so knowing how they react is half the battle, plus… Well I’m not just ugly on the outside. I’m not interesting, what knowledge I have are of topics that are of no interest to normal human beings in today’s society, and whatever jokes I have got up my sleeve end in someone dying or an abortion. I’m boring, I quickly run out of things to say and I just have nothing to offer to any conversations. Shit I hate to say this but Lottie was the only one I could ever talk to for hours on end. I’ve had friends I’ve known for decades I can’t do that with!
Maybe it’s because Lottie was brain damaged and I’m a retard. I dunno.
God I want to crawl under a rock. That conversation just made me look and feel like an idiot. The weird thing is, I thought I gave up trying to ‘woo’ her. Why am I still feeling all, bjkbfkjbkfjbaf about it, her, etc. God knows. She’s just, when I talk to her as much of an ass I feel, I can forget about all the damaged the blond scouse ass hole did to me. I can forget about how ugly I am. There were moments when she smiled at me, looked me in the eye and smiled, and I didn’t feel like a monster, I felt fucking ‘good’. I haven’t felt good in a loooooooong time. Maybe I’m getting romantic feelings mixed up with something else, maybe I do really like her, maybe if I adopted her as a sister I would realise “WAIT! I didn’t fancy you, I just wanted you as a sister!”. Or maybe I do fancy someone who really has, won’t and never will have any interest in me… I can’t blame her. I’m pretty disgusting.
Anyway, I though Id share this next bit with you to show you the limit of how charming I can be. I asked her out about 4 months ago. She later said she wasn’t interested in me in that way and then LOTTIE came back into my life and FUCKED up 7 months of hard and painful work to try and get better by making me believe we were gonna get back together, I mean it was a miracle I found myself attracted to the redhead, I though I would be fucked up forever… Anyway, this is the absolute apex of my charm.
Here’s the thing. I like you very much, more than people would, I dunno, ‘socially’ deem ‘cool’. In fact, some scholars would say I ‘fancy’ you. Academia, I dunno, aaaanyway, I was wondering if it would be okay if I could take you out sometime when you get back to bristol? I dunno, a movie and dinner? I know it sounds pretty old school and lame, as far as I know people don’t ‘date’ anymore and just hook up at parties and night clubs and decide to fornicate on a regular basis after that but hey, I’m old school hip hop so i still ‘date’… Anyway, don’t worry about it. I’m just saying words… Gonna make a peach crumble now…
… Ladies and gentlemen. Dwayne Preboye and his dating prowess.
Wow. No wonder women think I’m a fuck.
Without any definite sign I guess I’m just gonna give up on the redhead, as much as I like her [and I like her so much it aches my stomach, gives me a headache and I crawl under my covers and listen to Verve on repeat.] and I guess I’ll just be single for the rest of my life. No worries. I’m gonna get a dog. Name him Tim.That wee bastard will keep me company.
And I know you think I’m just one of those peeps that say “Oh I’m going to die alone” etc etc.
I’m literally going to die ALONE.
I’m ugly as shit, I’m damaged goods, my ex pretty much went out of her way to completely break me into pieces, cheers Lottie, I have MAJOR DEPRESSION DISORDER, A.K.A. MAJOR BAGGAGE, I smoke, I drink [both out of twisted necessity] and all I can do good is video games.
You look me in my fucking ugly face and tell me I’m not gonna die alone… FUCK!
Well shit. Guess I’m going to bed in a shit mood…