It’s the weirdest feeling but, for the first time in 7 months I feel FREE.

My first thought in the morning wasn’t of the cage that Lottie had become for me, it was of work, breakfast, just the weekend in general, and of money, very scared I won’t leave uni with as much as I anticipated =/

I wasn’t thinking about getting back together with Lottie but rather, how she is affecting my chances with other women, specifically my grieving for two years putting a stopper on any chance I may have had with the redhead. Admittedly these thoughts hadn’t occurred to me till Batman and his legion of anons asked about her last night…

I mean, yeah okay, I’ve forged a potential career from grief, depression and despair, but I had established that A YEAR AGO!

What have I been doing since then!?!?

I dunno. I guess, with time, I’ve gotten so used to the pain that I’ve grown out of it almost… I dunno. I guesslife for the first time in two years is a priority to me, not my grief. I think my grief is dying off… Maybe… Or maybe I’m just so busy I don’t have time to grieve.

Well, I hope I never get a day off.

3.23.2013 |4 notes | Comments
grief, depression, life,

I don’t have a lot in me in terms of emotion at the moment. Sent an email to Lottie, don’t expect a reply. Going to bed early. I have a lot of work tomorrow which I’m going to bury myself under, so if I don’t post anything, don’t worry, I haven’t offed myself, I just can’t deal with the day…

*sigh* God, I feel empty. Like my house mate said to me, I’m just tired from grieving. I’ve done it for two years, maybe the anniversary of Lottie leaving me is the one day I don’t want to grieve. Makes sense, don’t it?

Any way, g’night night guys. Talk to you in a couple of days. Feel free to leave me little Lottie related asks. Maybe something around the lines of ‘best memory’ or ‘best day with Lottie’. I reckon if anything will get me feeling again, it would be that…

3.20.2013 |2 notes | Comments
grief, grieving, depression, Lottie Moran,

I'm sorry the question hurt you I was just asking for how the situation is purposes not make you think of terrible thing purposes. Does she live near you? If you knew her address you could always old school romantic flower poem

Anonymous

It’s okay. Please don’t worry yourself about it. We’re still friends =].

I know where she lives, heck the town is pretty much like a second home to me, I go there now and again to write and to be inspired. I never bump into her but I see her friends [but NEVER speak to them] from time to time… I reckon they don’t recognise me any more, with my shirt and tie, all my hats and my short hair [I used to just wear jeans and t-shirts, now I dress… ‘better’].

We’ve been over for two years. I’ve fought till I couldn’t fight any more [read more about that here]. I still send her the occasional gift. I left a tub of AREO MINT HOT CHOCOLATE by her door last month. It was a drink we always drank with each other, es[ecially special occasions like anniversaries, I think it was her favourite. So when I was in Devizes last, it’s about 45 minutes away from the big city I live in, I left one by her door. I assume she got it because, well, hours later I see she’s watching Radiohead videos via my youtube playlist.

But that’s it. I wouldn’t have called that trying to get her back, I lost that fight years ago… I would say it was my way of saying to Lottie, “I’m still here. I still care.”

Maybe one day, I’ll start fighting for her again, but then fighting a war that’s already lost it not only foolish, it’s guaranteed to have me meet with my death… I’m not talking metaphorically. TWICE I almost died last year. Twice I was lying in hospital beds, twice I had my mother hold me like I was child, telling me everything would be okay… I won’t put her through that again.

All I can do is wait for her. Even if it means waiting forever. I know they say plenty of fish in the sea and who knows? Maybe Amanda Seyfried will admire me and fall for me because of what I’m doing haha! [And I always thought Lottie looked like Amanda Seyfried] But it’s not really my focus at the moment.

I keep Lottie in my heart not [only] in the hope that she’ll come back, but to inspire me, to drive me on. I write about what I know, and all I know is her. What she made me feel, the pain of losing her and the void that she left. I’ve written violent-fiction, social-realist drama, and at the moment a genre I can only describe as romance/ drama/tale of loss. I can take my experience, my failings, my memories and shape them into multiple forms from which people can learn from and that is what I will do for the rest of my life.

I will live in hope that Lottie will come back, but I am no fool. I know that may never happen. 99%. My focus is making sure that no one, NO ONE loses their Lotties. No one becomes the empty and despicable person I am today. No one lives their lives in grief.

No one should love, like I do, and have it be for nothing.

3.19.2013 |0 notes | Comments
Lottie Moran, grief, anon, film mkaing,

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief
For its such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way
And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

3.18.2013 |4 notes | Comments
Portishead, Wandering Star, Depression, Grief,

I used to have so much colour in my face. My hands and wrists weren’t dry and covered in scars, my lips weren’t pale and lifeless, my eyes still had spark in them. My hair had some shine to it. There was life in my laughter and not sarcasm. There was honesty in my smile and not malicious intent. There was good in my heart, not evil and twisted intentions I wanted to love, not to fight, not to bleed.

I smiled.

What ever happened, two years ago.

I didn’t grow-up, I just became cynical, angry, distressed, depressed, sick.

10 days, I’ve gotten about 15 hours sleep. I’ve worked non-stop on essays, films and screenplays. 2 weeks, I have not hung out with friends. 3 months, I have not gotten 3 meals, but survived on one big/ affordable meal a day. 7 months, I have not talked to my best friend and woman I love.1 year, I have smoked hundreds of cigarettes, joints and this year, went back into experimenting with mood and reality altering pills. 2 years I have been emotionally, intellectuality and spiritually alone.

For 5 years, for half a decade, since I was a child, I have been utterly, deeply in love with one person, one person who’s voice I can hardly remember; Who’s smile only exists for me in photographs; Who’s songs are only heard in my dreams; Who’s laugh died inside me and lies at the bottom of my stomach, Who’s touch is yearned and cried out for by my cracked and dying skin, Who’s world I will never know, nor deserve to be a part of; Who’s kiss changed my life forever and when it went… So did the sun.

[I miss you. There are no other words.]

There is very little to my story.

Only grief.

And so that is who I became.

I miss you Lottie Moran.

3.15.2013 |7 notes | Comments
unrequited love, my story, depression, love, malnourishment, self harm, drug abuse, pain, grief, Lottie Moran,

This post is INCREDIBLY personal and my most personal one to date. If you know me PERSONALLY but don’t follow me via you’re own tumblr [you know who you are] read this at your own risk, but please have discretion, because this is a subject that is at risk at breaking me. More so than I am already.

THE SOURCE OF GRIEF

I’ve started writing a short film that, HOPEFULLY, with the materials and the camera I can start by September and film and edit within a month.

The film will be called ‘The Source of Grief’ and is based on a Screenplay I have written called ‘Grief’ about an assassin working exclusively for the CIA and MI6 who has a nervous breakdown caused by unresolved and unrequited feelings of love for a woman who left him 3 years prior and, in an attempt to find a worthy opponent to end his life kills 27 U.S. agents, 9 British agents and 90 civilians.

The film will just be me, in front of a camera performing several monologues for several characters.

Charlie - A Boston gangster who crossed paths with the assassin on two occasions.

Agent Daniels - A CIA agent who attempted to track down the assassin before the assassin himself was ‘recruited’ by the Agency.

Special Agent Bell - An MI6 agent who led the MI6 ‘man hunt’ for the assassin after his breakdown.

Oliver - a Liverpudlian local who knew the assassin’s lost love personally

GRIEF - The assassin.

Hopefully I can do this very, very soon and it can teach people the consequences of the words “I love you.” Maybe it isn’t as extreme as the murder of 126 people, but you get the picture…

7.19.2012 |1 note | Comments
film making, grief, THE SOURCE OF GRIEF, love, unrequited love, depression, Lottie,

The struggle to see between love and a lie, that is grief. To realize the love she once felt was real, that is acceptance. To never remember her voice? That is a shame.

Me.

I’m gonna have a beer before I think too much.

#Problemdrinking

5.31.2012 |0 notes | Comments
grief, love, acceptence, ex girlfriend, Lottie Moran,

It’s the weirdest feeling but, for the first time in 7 months I feel FREE.

Anonymous

THE SOURCE OF GRIEF

The struggle to see between love and a lie, that is grief. To realize the love she once felt was real, that is acceptance. To never remember her voice? That is a shame.

Me. I’m gonna have a beer before I think too much. #Problemdrinking

Me.

I’m gonna have a beer before I think too much.

#Problemdrinking