It’s okay. Please don’t worry yourself about it. We’re still friends =].
I know where she lives, heck the town is pretty much like a second home to me, I go there now and again to write and to be inspired. I never bump into her but I see her friends [but NEVER speak to them] from time to time… I reckon they don’t recognise me any more, with my shirt and tie, all my hats and my short hair [I used to just wear jeans and t-shirts, now I dress… ‘better’].
We’ve been over for two years. I’ve fought till I couldn’t fight any more [read more about that here]. I still send her the occasional gift. I left a tub of AREO MINT HOT CHOCOLATE by her door last month. It was a drink we always drank with each other, es[ecially special occasions like anniversaries, I think it was her favourite. So when I was in Devizes last, it’s about 45 minutes away from the big city I live in, I left one by her door. I assume she got it because, well, hours later I see she’s watching Radiohead videos via my youtube playlist.
But that’s it. I wouldn’t have called that trying to get her back, I lost that fight years ago… I would say it was my way of saying to Lottie, “I’m still here. I still care.”
Maybe one day, I’ll start fighting for her again, but then fighting a war that’s already lost it not only foolish, it’s guaranteed to have me meet with my death… I’m not talking metaphorically. TWICE I almost died last year. Twice I was lying in hospital beds, twice I had my mother hold me like I was child, telling me everything would be okay… I won’t put her through that again.
All I can do is wait for her. Even if it means waiting forever. I know they say plenty of fish in the sea and who knows? Maybe Amanda Seyfried will admire me and fall for me because of what I’m doing haha! [And I always thought Lottie looked like Amanda Seyfried] But it’s not really my focus at the moment.
I keep Lottie in my heart not [only] in the hope that she’ll come back, but to inspire me, to drive me on. I write about what I know, and all I know is her. What she made me feel, the pain of losing her and the void that she left. I’ve written violent-fiction, social-realist drama, and at the moment a genre I can only describe as romance/ drama/tale of loss. I can take my experience, my failings, my memories and shape them into multiple forms from which people can learn from and that is what I will do for the rest of my life.
I will live in hope that Lottie will come back, but I am no fool. I know that may never happen. 99%. My focus is making sure that no one, NO ONE loses their Lotties. No one becomes the empty and despicable person I am today. No one lives their lives in grief.
No one should love, like I do, and have it be for nothing.